MARIANNA'S MUSINGS
This week, my musings come with a questionnaire.
1. WHO WAS THE BETTER ACTOR?
Unless being in "the bachelor bubble" has really messed with their sanity, the bachelors appeared to be following Fleissian production orders as they tried their hand at a little "acting".
Chris gazed goofily into the distant horizon, smiling and slowly nodding to himself. Had he magically transported himself to the land of unicorns and rainbows? Or perhaps he was receiving a message from his mother?
Roberto took time out from packing his suitcase to lie on his hotel bed and twirl a baseball, smiling secretly all the while. Was he reliving his Hometown Date? His last home run? Perhaps his last home-cooked meal?
Frank adopted a tortured moue as he paced the streets of downtown Chicago, scaring children, small dogs and assorted hobbits in his way. Was he thinking more of Ali or Nicole?
2. WOULD YOU BUY FRANK'S SCREENPLAY?
Frank's latest screenplay traces the saga of a man who goes back to his hometown to find his true love, at the risk of hurting the girl he's currently with.
Here are the opening lines, which he recited for us during his voiceover.
"My stomach is at my feet. My heart is in my throat. Mike Fleiss is on my back. My screenwriting career is in the toilet. Nicole's in a hotel room in Chicago. Ali's in a hut in Tahiti. My chest is out of my shirt."
What do you think? An instant hit?
3. WHO WON THE BLINKING CONTEST?
Nicole and Frank stared silently at each other, apparently concentrating on going as long as they could without blinking. But who won?
The winner will advance to the next round: a stare-off against the biggest non-blinking reptilian: Mike Fleiss.
4. WHO PACKED THE MOST SENSIBLY?
Was it Chris, who didn't believe in cluttering up his suitcase with neckties and formal wear?
Was it Roberto, who made room for a Lion King CD over anti-perspirant?
Or was it Frank, who came to Tahiti for a day to break up with Ali but brought 3 pieces of luggage -- presumably all bursting full of t-shirts dipping to his navel?
5. WHICH OF ALI'S LOOKS DID YOU LIKE BEST?
Was it sexy Ali, wearing a short, gauzy, low-cut dress during her dinner with Roberto?
Was it sporty Ali, clad in shorts and tank top for her date with Chris?
Or was it romantic Ali, with a flower adorning her hair, excitedly anticipating a sail ride with Frank but sadly getting the wind taken out of her sails instead.
6. BESIDES THE HEART-SHAPED ISLAND, WHICH OTHER SHAPES DID YOU SEE?
(With apologies to Rorschach)
Didn't the shapes of the sweat stains under Roberto's armpits look a bit like baseball trophies to you?
And those red spots on Chris' cheeks; didn't they seem uncannily to be in the shape of two unicorns, rocking on porch chairs?
And what about Frank? In the shadows cast by his man-cleavage, couldn't you just make out the letters of the Hollywood sign?
7. REPEAT OFFENDERS: WHAT IS STARTING TO IRRITATE YOU MORE THIS SEASON?
Is it the constant use of words such as "like", "amazing", "ridiculous" and "my journey" that punctuate 'bachspeak' ?
Or is it the overused theme of having a girlfriend back home?
8. WET BACHELOR VS DRY BACHELOR
Which bachelor's style of wading through water to get to a hut did you like the most?
Was it Roberto who didn't hesitate and got his shorts wet? Or was it Chris who had the foresight to hike them up and keep them dry?
9. WHAT'S YOUR HOUSEKEEPING STYLE?
Is it neat freak Nicole with her pristine hotel-like apartment, spotless and devoid of clutter, personal photos and knick knacks?
Or is it Ali who, by her own admission in her blog, shocked Roberto with a hut so messy that the floor was barely visible.
10. SHALLOW VS DEEP
What entertained you most: watching Chris and Roberto play with Ali in the shallow water or watching Frank go off the deep end?
11. WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU MORE LIKELY TO GO TO TAHITI?
What's the most attractive thing about Tahiti? The warm, azure ocean? The gorgeous tropical scenery? The exotic culture and cuisine?
Or is it that, apparently, just taking one walk on a Tahitian beach can mean coming home with a good start to a pearl necklace?
12. WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO BUT COLLAPSE?
It seems that, when in distress, Ali is only able to walk so far before collapsing.
Which was your favourite: her hotel corridoor collapse during Jake's season or this episode's collapse by the tree on the beach?
13. THE DOCTOR IS IN THE HUT
Who's your favourite tv relationship therapist: Dr. Phil or Dr. Chris?
What's next: Chris Harrison's own talk show, called "The Bachelor Padded Room", where he provides therapy and rehab for those who've appeared so frequently in various Fleiss productions that they can't remember their real identities anymore?
14. FANTASY SUITE 54
If Chris and Ali were in Fantasy Suite 54 and Ali and Roberto shared Fantasy Suite 53, who was that we caught a glimpse of in Fantasy Suite 55? Could it be....Nicole and Frank???!
15. DID YOU GET THE FEELING SOMETHING WAS MISSING?
You know what I'm talking about. "Ali. Gentlemen. Final rose tonight".
Come on, admit it. Didn't you feel just a little bit robbed?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Marianna's Musings: Ali's Episode 8
Chris Harrison, with his "Most Dramatic Ever" line, can't hold a candle to these daring or dubious distinctions:
MOST SEXY MOMENT EVER
I know, I know. The Fantasy Suite overnight dates may blow this moment out of the water. For now, though, Roberto standing behind Ali while teaching her how to bat was muy caliente.
He could have easily gotten to 3rd base right then and there if he'd wanted to.
MOST SEXIST MOMENT EVER
Roberto's dad has a lot of "concerns" because Ali will be so busy running her business that she may not "support" Roberto.
Ali gives a good answer about a happy marriage needing two fulfilled people. Roberto Sr. looks largely unconvinced.
MOST DOUBTFUL PARENT EVER
Roberto Sr. thinks his son is a "big prize". Everyone takes a few moments to go worship the trophies at the shrine of Roberto Jr. Pater familias is clearly worried that his son may not be happy with Ali.
Of course, in a Fleiss-induced moment of speedy clarity, he has an abrupt change of heart and gives his "blessings" as precipitously as Jake's family did with Vienna.
You know, sometimes it's just better to go with your first impression, isn't it.
MOST KLEENEX USED EVER
Chris' father talks about meeting his wife, losing his wife and the importance of family.
Tears run unashamedly down the cheeks of America.
Fleiss cannot believe his luck at having found the holy trinity of love, loss and loyalty.
MOST IRONIC SLOGAN EVER
'''Love is the only reality' is the slogan we live by," says Chris' wise dad.
Fleiss begs to differ. Details to follow later this summer on The Bachelor Pad.
MOST TOUCHING PARALLELS EVER
Chris quits his job to nurse his dying mother.
Ali quits her job to nurse her dying grandmother.
Frank quits his job to nurse his dying enthusiasm for the reality show process.
MOST ANIMALS IN ANY SEASON EVER
Not counting our taxidermy tour, we've had a Disneyfied mouse feeding off crumbs in the Bachelor house.
We've had a hungry stray kitty feeding off table scraps in Portugal.
And now, we have a wet and winsome black lab feeding off the attention of the camera crew in the front yard as she largely ignores her master's commands.
Come on, now, Chris Harrison. How can you say "we don't care about the dog?"
MOST UNCONVENTIONAL GREETING EVER
"So Ali, would you like to see my basement?" says Kirk's father barely five minutes after meeting her.
MOST HOSPITABLE DEAD SQUIRREL EVER
A stuffed squirrel sits jauntily in the liviing room, offering a juicy strawberry to all those who cross the DeWindt family threshold.
MOST SELF-EVIDENT LINE EVER
"KIrk he hasn't brought very many gals home," says Kirk's dad, offering Ali an elk-foot popsicle from his freezer.
Gee... I wonder why.
MOST FOREBODING DINNER CONVERSATION EVER
Kirk's dad to Kirk's previous girlfriend: "More venison?"
Kirk's girlfriend: "Oh, no thanks, I'm stuffed."
Kirk's dad: "Hmmm... that gives me an idea..."
MOST BATTLING BRACELETS IN A SEASON EVER
Kirk's mother-son LiveStrong bracelets vs. the Dennis bracelet it is decreed all Lambton women (present, past and future) must wear.
MOST MISSING CHEESE EVER
Uncharacteristically, Kirk's grandmother's cheesy potatoes were the cheesiest thing about this week's episode.
Lactose-intolerant bach fans everywhere rejoiced.
MOST MAN-CLEAVAGE EVER
In a desperate effort to seduce Ali and have her eliminate the competition, Frank wears a revealing low-cut top.
MOST LIKELY BACHELORETTE TO BE LIVING WITH IN-LAWS EVER
Two of the remaining three bachelors declare that she'd fit right in with the family and immediately start shopping for a bigger bed for their childhood rooms.
MOST PASSIVE MOMS EVER
Ironically, it was Chris' dead mother who made her presence felt the most during the home town visits.
Roberto's "passive" mother and Kirk's non-responsive step-mother shrunk in the shadows of their larger-than-life spouses.
MOST REVEALING REALITY MOMENT EVER
Ali realizes that her strong feelings for Jake last season were indeed a result of the 'Bachelor Love Bubble'.
Consequently, she is pointedly non-committal when Chris Harrison asks her if one of the remaining men could be her husband.
Good job, Ali, for not rabbiting on about how her husband is definitely there and how this process really works, yada, yada, yada. Eitther you're being refreshingly honest or you never became the bachelorette intending to find your husband.
MOST ROSES EVER
Not only does Ali have three roses to give out, she also has two dozen attached to her dress.
That way, if none of the remaining men turns out to be husband material, she can always wear that dress to her next social event, plucking the roses off it to distribute to the potential partners among the passers-by.
MOST SIGNATURE EXPRESSIONS EVER
Ali seems to have three signature expressions: the heartbroken pout, the forehead-wrinkling worried look and the wide-eyed and plastered smile look of discomfort and pretense.
She has recently been perfecting her pout at all Rose Ceremonies.
MOST EQUIVOCAL THANK-YOU EVER
Kirk to Ali: "Thanks, I guess. I gave all of myself to you and it's just not what you're looking for."
Kirk to self: "Oh why oh why didn't I tell my dad we'd meet him at the nearest AppleBee's?"
MOST SEXY MOMENT EVER
I know, I know. The Fantasy Suite overnight dates may blow this moment out of the water. For now, though, Roberto standing behind Ali while teaching her how to bat was muy caliente.
He could have easily gotten to 3rd base right then and there if he'd wanted to.
MOST SEXIST MOMENT EVER
Roberto's dad has a lot of "concerns" because Ali will be so busy running her business that she may not "support" Roberto.
Ali gives a good answer about a happy marriage needing two fulfilled people. Roberto Sr. looks largely unconvinced.
MOST DOUBTFUL PARENT EVER
Roberto Sr. thinks his son is a "big prize". Everyone takes a few moments to go worship the trophies at the shrine of Roberto Jr. Pater familias is clearly worried that his son may not be happy with Ali.
Of course, in a Fleiss-induced moment of speedy clarity, he has an abrupt change of heart and gives his "blessings" as precipitously as Jake's family did with Vienna.
You know, sometimes it's just better to go with your first impression, isn't it.
MOST KLEENEX USED EVER
Chris' father talks about meeting his wife, losing his wife and the importance of family.
Tears run unashamedly down the cheeks of America.
Fleiss cannot believe his luck at having found the holy trinity of love, loss and loyalty.
MOST IRONIC SLOGAN EVER
'''Love is the only reality' is the slogan we live by," says Chris' wise dad.
Fleiss begs to differ. Details to follow later this summer on The Bachelor Pad.
MOST TOUCHING PARALLELS EVER
Chris quits his job to nurse his dying mother.
Ali quits her job to nurse her dying grandmother.
Frank quits his job to nurse his dying enthusiasm for the reality show process.
MOST ANIMALS IN ANY SEASON EVER
Not counting our taxidermy tour, we've had a Disneyfied mouse feeding off crumbs in the Bachelor house.
We've had a hungry stray kitty feeding off table scraps in Portugal.
And now, we have a wet and winsome black lab feeding off the attention of the camera crew in the front yard as she largely ignores her master's commands.
Come on, now, Chris Harrison. How can you say "we don't care about the dog?"
MOST UNCONVENTIONAL GREETING EVER
"So Ali, would you like to see my basement?" says Kirk's father barely five minutes after meeting her.
MOST HOSPITABLE DEAD SQUIRREL EVER
A stuffed squirrel sits jauntily in the liviing room, offering a juicy strawberry to all those who cross the DeWindt family threshold.
MOST SELF-EVIDENT LINE EVER
"KIrk he hasn't brought very many gals home," says Kirk's dad, offering Ali an elk-foot popsicle from his freezer.
Gee... I wonder why.
MOST FOREBODING DINNER CONVERSATION EVER
Kirk's dad to Kirk's previous girlfriend: "More venison?"
Kirk's girlfriend: "Oh, no thanks, I'm stuffed."
Kirk's dad: "Hmmm... that gives me an idea..."
MOST BATTLING BRACELETS IN A SEASON EVER
Kirk's mother-son LiveStrong bracelets vs. the Dennis bracelet it is decreed all Lambton women (present, past and future) must wear.
MOST MISSING CHEESE EVER
Uncharacteristically, Kirk's grandmother's cheesy potatoes were the cheesiest thing about this week's episode.
Lactose-intolerant bach fans everywhere rejoiced.
MOST MAN-CLEAVAGE EVER
In a desperate effort to seduce Ali and have her eliminate the competition, Frank wears a revealing low-cut top.
MOST LIKELY BACHELORETTE TO BE LIVING WITH IN-LAWS EVER
Two of the remaining three bachelors declare that she'd fit right in with the family and immediately start shopping for a bigger bed for their childhood rooms.
MOST PASSIVE MOMS EVER
Ironically, it was Chris' dead mother who made her presence felt the most during the home town visits.
Roberto's "passive" mother and Kirk's non-responsive step-mother shrunk in the shadows of their larger-than-life spouses.
MOST REVEALING REALITY MOMENT EVER
Ali realizes that her strong feelings for Jake last season were indeed a result of the 'Bachelor Love Bubble'.
Consequently, she is pointedly non-committal when Chris Harrison asks her if one of the remaining men could be her husband.
Good job, Ali, for not rabbiting on about how her husband is definitely there and how this process really works, yada, yada, yada. Eitther you're being refreshingly honest or you never became the bachelorette intending to find your husband.
MOST ROSES EVER
Not only does Ali have three roses to give out, she also has two dozen attached to her dress.
That way, if none of the remaining men turns out to be husband material, she can always wear that dress to her next social event, plucking the roses off it to distribute to the potential partners among the passers-by.
MOST SIGNATURE EXPRESSIONS EVER
Ali seems to have three signature expressions: the heartbroken pout, the forehead-wrinkling worried look and the wide-eyed and plastered smile look of discomfort and pretense.
She has recently been perfecting her pout at all Rose Ceremonies.
MOST EQUIVOCAL THANK-YOU EVER
Kirk to Ali: "Thanks, I guess. I gave all of myself to you and it's just not what you're looking for."
Kirk to self: "Oh why oh why didn't I tell my dad we'd meet him at the nearest AppleBee's?"
Saturday, July 10, 2010
At the end of the day, being a jerk isn't going to get you anywhere in Hollywood.
This from PopEater, AOL's on line celebrity mag:
http://www.popeater.com/2010/07/10/jake-pavelka-vienna-girardi/
We want to take a moment and write Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi a quick memo on fame whoring. In order to be a successful fame whore, the kind of fame whore that can ultimately take that whoring to a new level and turn it into a career (i.e. Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Kate Gosselin, Kendra Wilkinson), you have to find a way to make yourself likable. Because with likability comes brandability and with brandability comes ever more opportunities to gain increasing levels of faux celebrity.
Jake and Vienna have gone about this all wrong with their public feuding and overall nastiness. It's a lesson that Jon and Kate Gosselin learned early in their divorce. The public turns against you when you get too mean.
PopEater's own Naughty But Nice Rob Shuter was even disgusted by the pair (And it takes a lot to disgust Mr. Shuter).
"After that interview their brand is worth less than BP!" Shuter exclaimed when we asked him about the pair. "It was a disaster. They both are done! It's so sad when two people we think we know turn out to be exact opposite! Not since the Britney meltdown have I had to readjust my opinion so much.
"Not that there is anything left of a celebrity career for either Jake or Vienna to really salvage, but if the two of them want some kind of future in the public eye, now would be the time for them to shut their traps and find a way to make themselves sympathetic characters.
They already have a tenuous grasp on celebrity. 'Bachelor' contestants have rarely been able to catapult themselves to the next level of faux fame. And save for Trista and Ryan, whom America loves because they seem nice and normal, most of them have dropped out of the public consciousness pretty quick.
"It took Trista and Ryan some time to achieve their level of fame and that happened because they were an anomaly. I don't think there was a whole lot of value to begin with for Jake and Vienna but what there was has been eroded by their behavior," explains Matt Delzell, a director with the celebrity licensing group at Davie Brown Entertainment, a marketing and branding firm. "To sustain brand value you have to show people you aren't just out for the fame and those two have proved otherwise."
And after their upsetting couch confrontation with Chris Harrison, both Jake and Vienna just seem so unlikable.
"There is an art to being famous for nothing. You MUST be likable, or have a scandal where you are the sympathetic character, or end up working with someone untouchable and beloved or be related to someone we adore (Nicole Richie) – this is why Spencer and Heidi didn't make a dime, why Octomom was shunned and why we adore Melissa Rycroft and Elizabeth Hasselbeck," explains 'Cult of Celebrity' author Cooper Lawrence. "Jake is a fame-seeking attention whore with no likable qualities and Vienna is worse. They aren't getting endorsement deals, book deals or anything that would make them big money because nobody would buy anything from them.
"So sadly for these two fame mongers, their fifteen minutes is about to be up. They could have stretched it into at least another 27 had they played their cards right, but at the end of the day, being a jerk isn't going to get you anywhere in Hollywood.
http://www.popeater.com/2010/07/10/jake-pavelka-vienna-girardi/
We want to take a moment and write Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi a quick memo on fame whoring. In order to be a successful fame whore, the kind of fame whore that can ultimately take that whoring to a new level and turn it into a career (i.e. Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Kate Gosselin, Kendra Wilkinson), you have to find a way to make yourself likable. Because with likability comes brandability and with brandability comes ever more opportunities to gain increasing levels of faux celebrity.
Jake and Vienna have gone about this all wrong with their public feuding and overall nastiness. It's a lesson that Jon and Kate Gosselin learned early in their divorce. The public turns against you when you get too mean.
PopEater's own Naughty But Nice Rob Shuter was even disgusted by the pair (And it takes a lot to disgust Mr. Shuter).
"After that interview their brand is worth less than BP!" Shuter exclaimed when we asked him about the pair. "It was a disaster. They both are done! It's so sad when two people we think we know turn out to be exact opposite! Not since the Britney meltdown have I had to readjust my opinion so much.
"Not that there is anything left of a celebrity career for either Jake or Vienna to really salvage, but if the two of them want some kind of future in the public eye, now would be the time for them to shut their traps and find a way to make themselves sympathetic characters.
They already have a tenuous grasp on celebrity. 'Bachelor' contestants have rarely been able to catapult themselves to the next level of faux fame. And save for Trista and Ryan, whom America loves because they seem nice and normal, most of them have dropped out of the public consciousness pretty quick.
"It took Trista and Ryan some time to achieve their level of fame and that happened because they were an anomaly. I don't think there was a whole lot of value to begin with for Jake and Vienna but what there was has been eroded by their behavior," explains Matt Delzell, a director with the celebrity licensing group at Davie Brown Entertainment, a marketing and branding firm. "To sustain brand value you have to show people you aren't just out for the fame and those two have proved otherwise."
And after their upsetting couch confrontation with Chris Harrison, both Jake and Vienna just seem so unlikable.
"There is an art to being famous for nothing. You MUST be likable, or have a scandal where you are the sympathetic character, or end up working with someone untouchable and beloved or be related to someone we adore (Nicole Richie) – this is why Spencer and Heidi didn't make a dime, why Octomom was shunned and why we adore Melissa Rycroft and Elizabeth Hasselbeck," explains 'Cult of Celebrity' author Cooper Lawrence. "Jake is a fame-seeking attention whore with no likable qualities and Vienna is worse. They aren't getting endorsement deals, book deals or anything that would make them big money because nobody would buy anything from them.
"So sadly for these two fame mongers, their fifteen minutes is about to be up. They could have stretched it into at least another 27 had they played their cards right, but at the end of the day, being a jerk isn't going to get you anywhere in Hollywood.
Saturday, Jul 10, 2010 11:01 ET
This week in crazy: Jake Pavelka
The former "Bachelor" was mean and snippy to his ex Vienna, but nothing says "nutso" like looking for love on TV
By Mary Elizabeth Williams
Reuters
We've long suspected that starring on a show with a dubious track record like "The Bachelor" is an indication of possible wackness. But this week, Jake Pavelka took it to a whole other level.
Tenley must sure be feeling like she dodged a bullet these days. After not quite winning Pavelka's heart last March, she went back to being just another freelance bachelorette. It was love-her-or-hate-her contender Vienna Girardi who got the rose-strewn, tears-inducing proposal, the underwhelming declaration from her man on the cover of People that "I didn't make a mistake." It was she who got to watch as Pavelka went on to bust assorted moves on "Dancing With the Stars," she who uprooted herself to Los Angeles to be near him. Gee, what could wrong?
Then, faster than you can say, "I'm selling my story to the tabloids," the romance went south. There were accusations of infidelity from him and "intimacy issues" from her. What? A "Bachelor" engagement that went bust? Shut up. On Monday, it all culminated in the most! tense! reunion! ever! with the two estranged lovebirds going at it on a Very Special episode of "The Bachelorette."
Far be it for us to suggest that Vienna came off looking like the person we'd most want to share our headstone with, but Jake? He really outdid himself. Registering his "disgust" at the woman he described on a March episode of "Good Morning Texas" as "everything I've ever wanted and so much more," he went from the Aw, shucks breakup guy who insisted, "I'm still processing" and "I'm in a really confused emotional state" to Mr. Anger Issues once Vienna starting pushing his numerous buttons.
What was it about Jake's performance that creeped us out so? The admission that he ripped her GPS out of her hand and threw it in the back seat when she had the temerity to second-guess his directions? His snotty, "And another interruption!" when she cut in on one of his disses? His chilly excuse, when she called him out on his lack of affection, "There's more in a relationship than sex or intimacy," and the weirdly "Big Love"-like follow-up: "What guy in America would ever want to be intimate with a woman that undermines him… emasculates and doesn't respect [him]?" All of that, for sure. But mostly it was the unnervingly Patrick Batemanesque gritted smile he returned to again and again, with detours into stony silence when she described him as "someone who was emotionally and physically not there with me," and an outraged "Stop interrupting me!" as she burst into tears, that made us want to disinfect the inside of our television.
Sure, Vienna seems like a lady for whom the term "high maintenance" might have been coined. But you picked her, Jake. You went on national television in your quest to find her. Then you forfeited your conjugal duties in favor of prime-time waltzing competitions and GPS-induced tantrums. And for the pièce de resistance, Prince Charming, you reminded us how people who grin like that when they're really, really angry give us very bad dreams. You're not the first Bachelor, and you won't be the last. But dude, you're definitely the craziest.
This week in crazy: Jake Pavelka
The former "Bachelor" was mean and snippy to his ex Vienna, but nothing says "nutso" like looking for love on TV
By Mary Elizabeth Williams
Reuters
We've long suspected that starring on a show with a dubious track record like "The Bachelor" is an indication of possible wackness. But this week, Jake Pavelka took it to a whole other level.
Tenley must sure be feeling like she dodged a bullet these days. After not quite winning Pavelka's heart last March, she went back to being just another freelance bachelorette. It was love-her-or-hate-her contender Vienna Girardi who got the rose-strewn, tears-inducing proposal, the underwhelming declaration from her man on the cover of People that "I didn't make a mistake." It was she who got to watch as Pavelka went on to bust assorted moves on "Dancing With the Stars," she who uprooted herself to Los Angeles to be near him. Gee, what could wrong?
Then, faster than you can say, "I'm selling my story to the tabloids," the romance went south. There were accusations of infidelity from him and "intimacy issues" from her. What? A "Bachelor" engagement that went bust? Shut up. On Monday, it all culminated in the most! tense! reunion! ever! with the two estranged lovebirds going at it on a Very Special episode of "The Bachelorette."
Far be it for us to suggest that Vienna came off looking like the person we'd most want to share our headstone with, but Jake? He really outdid himself. Registering his "disgust" at the woman he described on a March episode of "Good Morning Texas" as "everything I've ever wanted and so much more," he went from the Aw, shucks breakup guy who insisted, "I'm still processing" and "I'm in a really confused emotional state" to Mr. Anger Issues once Vienna starting pushing his numerous buttons.
What was it about Jake's performance that creeped us out so? The admission that he ripped her GPS out of her hand and threw it in the back seat when she had the temerity to second-guess his directions? His snotty, "And another interruption!" when she cut in on one of his disses? His chilly excuse, when she called him out on his lack of affection, "There's more in a relationship than sex or intimacy," and the weirdly "Big Love"-like follow-up: "What guy in America would ever want to be intimate with a woman that undermines him… emasculates and doesn't respect [him]?" All of that, for sure. But mostly it was the unnervingly Patrick Batemanesque gritted smile he returned to again and again, with detours into stony silence when she described him as "someone who was emotionally and physically not there with me," and an outraged "Stop interrupting me!" as she burst into tears, that made us want to disinfect the inside of our television.
Sure, Vienna seems like a lady for whom the term "high maintenance" might have been coined. But you picked her, Jake. You went on national television in your quest to find her. Then you forfeited your conjugal duties in favor of prime-time waltzing competitions and GPS-induced tantrums. And for the pièce de resistance, Prince Charming, you reminded us how people who grin like that when they're really, really angry give us very bad dreams. You're not the first Bachelor, and you won't be the last. But dude, you're definitely the craziest.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Marianna's Musings: Ali's Episode 7
In honour of the childish behaviour we witnessed during the Jake-Vienna interview, this week we have....
THE BACHELORETTE: MOTHER GOOSE EDITION
I'M THE KING OF THE CASTLE
Ali invites Roberto on a date to be the king of her castle. Frantic Frank immediately begins to plot about how he can dig a moat so deep that Roberto never makes it anywhere near Ali's buttress.
But Roberto finds the drawbridge (the one in Lisbon is apparently just like the one in San Francisco!) and he spends the date kissing aforementioned buttress.
ALI AND FRANK, SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
During part of the Most Awkward 2 on 1 Date Ever, Frank and Ali make out in a tree, while speaking Bachelorese to each other.
Luckily, Chris Harrison comes along with an English/Bachelorese dictionary.
Translation: If Ali thinks she's afraid of what she feels for Frank now, she's going to be twice as shooken up when she sees what's to come. Supposably.
THE GINGERHAIRED MAN
On his date, Kirk tells Ali he hasn't brought a woman home to meet his parents in three years and generally breaks up with his girlfriends within a year.
That's 'cause he runs, he runs, as fast as he can. They can't catch him; he's the gingerhaired man.
ALI HAD A LITTLE LAMB-TON
Chris motors along slowly and steadily-- on the scooter and in his relationship with Ali. He gets the last date before the Rose Ceremony, which he sees as strategically valuable.
He has also kept his gift for Ali until the time is right. He offers her a silver custom-made bracelet, complete with an engraving of his dead mother's signature.
Never mind that his mother's getting to see more of the world on Ali's season than Tenley's ex-husband did on Jake's season. It's jewellery, after all, and it earns him a roll on the grass with Ali and the first rose in the Rose Ceremony.
IT'S RAINING, IT'S POURING, THE VIEWERS ARE SNORING
Ty is much less tickled about being turfed than he his about the good woman working 9 to 5.
Ali walks out in the rain with him. The rainbow stripes on her dress are, unfortunately, not colourfast and she returns to the mansion, a hodgepodge of hues. The black roots in her blond hair join the colourful cacophony.
Unfortunately, this is the only colourful moment in an otherwise clichéd, corny and conventional episode.
All that remains is for Chris Harrison to pop in to pronounce Ali the Most Lackadaisical Bachelorette Ever.
DOE, A DEER, A FEMALE DEER
Next week, Ali visits Kirk's house, where his dad treats her to a tour of the heads of all Kirk's ex-girlfriends, stuffed and mounted on the wall.
THE BACHELORETTE: MOTHER GOOSE EDITION
I'M THE KING OF THE CASTLE
Ali invites Roberto on a date to be the king of her castle. Frantic Frank immediately begins to plot about how he can dig a moat so deep that Roberto never makes it anywhere near Ali's buttress.
But Roberto finds the drawbridge (the one in Lisbon is apparently just like the one in San Francisco!) and he spends the date kissing aforementioned buttress.
ALI AND FRANK, SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
During part of the Most Awkward 2 on 1 Date Ever, Frank and Ali make out in a tree, while speaking Bachelorese to each other.
Luckily, Chris Harrison comes along with an English/Bachelorese dictionary.
Translation: If Ali thinks she's afraid of what she feels for Frank now, she's going to be twice as shooken up when she sees what's to come. Supposably.
THE GINGERHAIRED MAN
On his date, Kirk tells Ali he hasn't brought a woman home to meet his parents in three years and generally breaks up with his girlfriends within a year.
That's 'cause he runs, he runs, as fast as he can. They can't catch him; he's the gingerhaired man.
ALI HAD A LITTLE LAMB-TON
Chris motors along slowly and steadily-- on the scooter and in his relationship with Ali. He gets the last date before the Rose Ceremony, which he sees as strategically valuable.
He has also kept his gift for Ali until the time is right. He offers her a silver custom-made bracelet, complete with an engraving of his dead mother's signature.
Never mind that his mother's getting to see more of the world on Ali's season than Tenley's ex-husband did on Jake's season. It's jewellery, after all, and it earns him a roll on the grass with Ali and the first rose in the Rose Ceremony.
IT'S RAINING, IT'S POURING, THE VIEWERS ARE SNORING
Ty is much less tickled about being turfed than he his about the good woman working 9 to 5.
Ali walks out in the rain with him. The rainbow stripes on her dress are, unfortunately, not colourfast and she returns to the mansion, a hodgepodge of hues. The black roots in her blond hair join the colourful cacophony.
Unfortunately, this is the only colourful moment in an otherwise clichéd, corny and conventional episode.
All that remains is for Chris Harrison to pop in to pronounce Ali the Most Lackadaisical Bachelorette Ever.
DOE, A DEER, A FEMALE DEER
Next week, Ali visits Kirk's house, where his dad treats her to a tour of the heads of all Kirk's ex-girlfriends, stuffed and mounted on the wall.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Ed's Blog is up
http://www.swiderski.info/
Not looking good for JED but I must say, they are handling things WAY better than Jake and Vienna. A new low for the Bachelor franchise, in my opinion.
I was on vacation for 9 days. Seems like I missed a lot!?!
Not looking good for JED but I must say, they are handling things WAY better than Jake and Vienna. A new low for the Bachelor franchise, in my opinion.
I was on vacation for 9 days. Seems like I missed a lot!?!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN, JAKE PAVELKA SPEAKING
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain, Jake Pavelka speaking. I'd like to welcome you aboard Flight 666 today.
Our flight time should be 1 hour and 45 minutes, which, coincidentally, is about how long most of my relationships have lasted.
Our cruising altitude will be exactly 39,000 feet. No need to take out a tape measure, ladies and gentlemen, I've got it all under control. Last night I came out here and measured it myself, so that I could give you the exact specifications.
Today, our flight is non-stop L.A. via Hollywood, home of the stars and the celebrities, such as myself. In fact, I bet some of you remember me from The Bachelorette, The Bachelor, DWTS and Drop Dead Vienna....er...Diva.
Current conditions in Hollywood are 75 degrees, light winds, and broken clouds. Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, that I can't fix those clouds any more than I can all my broken relationships.
Our inflight meal today is skewered crow, followed by a savary humble pie (baked by the good woman at home) and, to finish, your dessert choice of pound cake or snow pudding.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats at all times. Failure to do so will result in a stern look from me, Jake Pavelka, pilot and Hollywood star.
And please, ladies and gentlemen, no interrupting me while I am speaking or I may be forced to come out of the cockpit and raise my hand to you. Please listen attentively and just let me get out my side of the announcement.
At any time, should cabin pressure change, please attempt to appear normal.
We may experience some turbulence along the way but, ladies and gentlemen, I wish to remind you that this is no reason to undermine me, Jake Pavelka, your reality star pilot.
On behalf of the crew -- uh, actually, who gives a *&!@ about the crew, ladies and gentlemen -- on behalf of me, Jake Pavelka, we hope you enjoy your fright today on Air Narcissus.
Our flight time should be 1 hour and 45 minutes, which, coincidentally, is about how long most of my relationships have lasted.
Our cruising altitude will be exactly 39,000 feet. No need to take out a tape measure, ladies and gentlemen, I've got it all under control. Last night I came out here and measured it myself, so that I could give you the exact specifications.
Today, our flight is non-stop L.A. via Hollywood, home of the stars and the celebrities, such as myself. In fact, I bet some of you remember me from The Bachelorette, The Bachelor, DWTS and Drop Dead Vienna....er...Diva.
Current conditions in Hollywood are 75 degrees, light winds, and broken clouds. Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, that I can't fix those clouds any more than I can all my broken relationships.
Our inflight meal today is skewered crow, followed by a savary humble pie (baked by the good woman at home) and, to finish, your dessert choice of pound cake or snow pudding.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats at all times. Failure to do so will result in a stern look from me, Jake Pavelka, pilot and Hollywood star.
And please, ladies and gentlemen, no interrupting me while I am speaking or I may be forced to come out of the cockpit and raise my hand to you. Please listen attentively and just let me get out my side of the announcement.
At any time, should cabin pressure change, please attempt to appear normal.
We may experience some turbulence along the way but, ladies and gentlemen, I wish to remind you that this is no reason to undermine me, Jake Pavelka, your reality star pilot.
On behalf of the crew -- uh, actually, who gives a *&!@ about the crew, ladies and gentlemen -- on behalf of me, Jake Pavelka, we hope you enjoy your fright today on Air Narcissus.
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