Chris Harrison, with his "Most Dramatic Ever" line, can't hold a candle to these daring or dubious distinctions:
MOST SEXY MOMENT EVER
I know, I know. The Fantasy Suite overnight dates may blow this moment out of the water. For now, though, Roberto standing behind Ali while teaching her how to bat was muy caliente.
He could have easily gotten to 3rd base right then and there if he'd wanted to.
MOST SEXIST MOMENT EVER
Roberto's dad has a lot of "concerns" because Ali will be so busy running her business that she may not "support" Roberto.
Ali gives a good answer about a happy marriage needing two fulfilled people. Roberto Sr. looks largely unconvinced.
MOST DOUBTFUL PARENT EVER
Roberto Sr. thinks his son is a "big prize". Everyone takes a few moments to go worship the trophies at the shrine of Roberto Jr. Pater familias is clearly worried that his son may not be happy with Ali.
Of course, in a Fleiss-induced moment of speedy clarity, he has an abrupt change of heart and gives his "blessings" as precipitously as Jake's family did with Vienna.
You know, sometimes it's just better to go with your first impression, isn't it.
MOST KLEENEX USED EVER
Chris' father talks about meeting his wife, losing his wife and the importance of family.
Tears run unashamedly down the cheeks of America.
Fleiss cannot believe his luck at having found the holy trinity of love, loss and loyalty.
MOST IRONIC SLOGAN EVER
'''Love is the only reality' is the slogan we live by," says Chris' wise dad.
Fleiss begs to differ. Details to follow later this summer on The Bachelor Pad.
MOST TOUCHING PARALLELS EVER
Chris quits his job to nurse his dying mother.
Ali quits her job to nurse her dying grandmother.
Frank quits his job to nurse his dying enthusiasm for the reality show process.
MOST ANIMALS IN ANY SEASON EVER
Not counting our taxidermy tour, we've had a Disneyfied mouse feeding off crumbs in the Bachelor house.
We've had a hungry stray kitty feeding off table scraps in Portugal.
And now, we have a wet and winsome black lab feeding off the attention of the camera crew in the front yard as she largely ignores her master's commands.
Come on, now, Chris Harrison. How can you say "we don't care about the dog?"
MOST UNCONVENTIONAL GREETING EVER
"So Ali, would you like to see my basement?" says Kirk's father barely five minutes after meeting her.
MOST HOSPITABLE DEAD SQUIRREL EVER
A stuffed squirrel sits jauntily in the liviing room, offering a juicy strawberry to all those who cross the DeWindt family threshold.
MOST SELF-EVIDENT LINE EVER
"KIrk he hasn't brought very many gals home," says Kirk's dad, offering Ali an elk-foot popsicle from his freezer.
Gee... I wonder why.
MOST FOREBODING DINNER CONVERSATION EVER
Kirk's dad to Kirk's previous girlfriend: "More venison?"
Kirk's girlfriend: "Oh, no thanks, I'm stuffed."
Kirk's dad: "Hmmm... that gives me an idea..."
MOST BATTLING BRACELETS IN A SEASON EVER
Kirk's mother-son LiveStrong bracelets vs. the Dennis bracelet it is decreed all Lambton women (present, past and future) must wear.
MOST MISSING CHEESE EVER
Uncharacteristically, Kirk's grandmother's cheesy potatoes were the cheesiest thing about this week's episode.
Lactose-intolerant bach fans everywhere rejoiced.
MOST MAN-CLEAVAGE EVER
In a desperate effort to seduce Ali and have her eliminate the competition, Frank wears a revealing low-cut top.
MOST LIKELY BACHELORETTE TO BE LIVING WITH IN-LAWS EVER
Two of the remaining three bachelors declare that she'd fit right in with the family and immediately start shopping for a bigger bed for their childhood rooms.
MOST PASSIVE MOMS EVER
Ironically, it was Chris' dead mother who made her presence felt the most during the home town visits.
Roberto's "passive" mother and Kirk's non-responsive step-mother shrunk in the shadows of their larger-than-life spouses.
MOST REVEALING REALITY MOMENT EVER
Ali realizes that her strong feelings for Jake last season were indeed a result of the 'Bachelor Love Bubble'.
Consequently, she is pointedly non-committal when Chris Harrison asks her if one of the remaining men could be her husband.
Good job, Ali, for not rabbiting on about how her husband is definitely there and how this process really works, yada, yada, yada. Eitther you're being refreshingly honest or you never became the bachelorette intending to find your husband.
MOST ROSES EVER
Not only does Ali have three roses to give out, she also has two dozen attached to her dress.
That way, if none of the remaining men turns out to be husband material, she can always wear that dress to her next social event, plucking the roses off it to distribute to the potential partners among the passers-by.
MOST SIGNATURE EXPRESSIONS EVER
Ali seems to have three signature expressions: the heartbroken pout, the forehead-wrinkling worried look and the wide-eyed and plastered smile look of discomfort and pretense.
She has recently been perfecting her pout at all Rose Ceremonies.
MOST EQUIVOCAL THANK-YOU EVER
Kirk to Ali: "Thanks, I guess. I gave all of myself to you and it's just not what you're looking for."
Kirk to self: "Oh why oh why didn't I tell my dad we'd meet him at the nearest AppleBee's?"
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Dearest M - As always, the reading highlight of the day/week!
ReplyDeleteWe're going to have to write a song for you with a tag line that says even if love don't come easy, musings do!
From your inspiration, a few random thoughts for Round One:
1. Chris seemed to get more respect from the mouse than from the the dog! But he does seem to treat all such free spirited behavior with a joyful indulgence. Ladies, take notice.
2. After all the detective work Ali has supposably been doing to discover which guy is the best fit for her, when it comes to Roberto, the best evidence Ali could come up with is "just a feeling." Then, there's the "prize" element. Ladies, take notice.
3. Kirk's never been dumped before. Notwithstanding the end result for poor Kirk, Ali has made a positive contribution to his romantic education. Now he's really ready for love. Ladies, take notice.
4. Frank is convinced love don't come easy, and he's determined to figure out why. He thinks someone is going to tell him. Perhaps if he writes enough screenplays he can work it out for himself. How much time does Ali have? Ladies, take notice.
Hey, ladies and gent,
ReplyDeleteHere's a spoiler from a very reputable FORTer, Cash: http://cashfosho.blogspot.com/
Read, July 12th for the rundown.
See if tonight's event's line up, and we might have a very different FRC: