MARIANNA'S MUSINGS
This week, my musings come with a questionnaire.
1. WHO WAS THE BETTER ACTOR?
Unless being in "the bachelor bubble" has really messed with their sanity, the bachelors appeared to be following Fleissian production orders as they tried their hand at a little "acting".
Chris gazed goofily into the distant horizon, smiling and slowly nodding to himself. Had he magically transported himself to the land of unicorns and rainbows? Or perhaps he was receiving a message from his mother?
Roberto took time out from packing his suitcase to lie on his hotel bed and twirl a baseball, smiling secretly all the while. Was he reliving his Hometown Date? His last home run? Perhaps his last home-cooked meal?
Frank adopted a tortured moue as he paced the streets of downtown Chicago, scaring children, small dogs and assorted hobbits in his way. Was he thinking more of Ali or Nicole?
2. WOULD YOU BUY FRANK'S SCREENPLAY?
Frank's latest screenplay traces the saga of a man who goes back to his hometown to find his true love, at the risk of hurting the girl he's currently with.
Here are the opening lines, which he recited for us during his voiceover.
"My stomach is at my feet. My heart is in my throat. Mike Fleiss is on my back. My screenwriting career is in the toilet. Nicole's in a hotel room in Chicago. Ali's in a hut in Tahiti. My chest is out of my shirt."
What do you think? An instant hit?
3. WHO WON THE BLINKING CONTEST?
Nicole and Frank stared silently at each other, apparently concentrating on going as long as they could without blinking. But who won?
The winner will advance to the next round: a stare-off against the biggest non-blinking reptilian: Mike Fleiss.
4. WHO PACKED THE MOST SENSIBLY?
Was it Chris, who didn't believe in cluttering up his suitcase with neckties and formal wear?
Was it Roberto, who made room for a Lion King CD over anti-perspirant?
Or was it Frank, who came to Tahiti for a day to break up with Ali but brought 3 pieces of luggage -- presumably all bursting full of t-shirts dipping to his navel?
5. WHICH OF ALI'S LOOKS DID YOU LIKE BEST?
Was it sexy Ali, wearing a short, gauzy, low-cut dress during her dinner with Roberto?
Was it sporty Ali, clad in shorts and tank top for her date with Chris?
Or was it romantic Ali, with a flower adorning her hair, excitedly anticipating a sail ride with Frank but sadly getting the wind taken out of her sails instead.
6. BESIDES THE HEART-SHAPED ISLAND, WHICH OTHER SHAPES DID YOU SEE?
(With apologies to Rorschach)
Didn't the shapes of the sweat stains under Roberto's armpits look a bit like baseball trophies to you?
And those red spots on Chris' cheeks; didn't they seem uncannily to be in the shape of two unicorns, rocking on porch chairs?
And what about Frank? In the shadows cast by his man-cleavage, couldn't you just make out the letters of the Hollywood sign?
7. REPEAT OFFENDERS: WHAT IS STARTING TO IRRITATE YOU MORE THIS SEASON?
Is it the constant use of words such as "like", "amazing", "ridiculous" and "my journey" that punctuate 'bachspeak' ?
Or is it the overused theme of having a girlfriend back home?
8. WET BACHELOR VS DRY BACHELOR
Which bachelor's style of wading through water to get to a hut did you like the most?
Was it Roberto who didn't hesitate and got his shorts wet? Or was it Chris who had the foresight to hike them up and keep them dry?
9. WHAT'S YOUR HOUSEKEEPING STYLE?
Is it neat freak Nicole with her pristine hotel-like apartment, spotless and devoid of clutter, personal photos and knick knacks?
Or is it Ali who, by her own admission in her blog, shocked Roberto with a hut so messy that the floor was barely visible.
10. SHALLOW VS DEEP
What entertained you most: watching Chris and Roberto play with Ali in the shallow water or watching Frank go off the deep end?
11. WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU MORE LIKELY TO GO TO TAHITI?
What's the most attractive thing about Tahiti? The warm, azure ocean? The gorgeous tropical scenery? The exotic culture and cuisine?
Or is it that, apparently, just taking one walk on a Tahitian beach can mean coming home with a good start to a pearl necklace?
12. WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO BUT COLLAPSE?
It seems that, when in distress, Ali is only able to walk so far before collapsing.
Which was your favourite: her hotel corridoor collapse during Jake's season or this episode's collapse by the tree on the beach?
13. THE DOCTOR IS IN THE HUT
Who's your favourite tv relationship therapist: Dr. Phil or Dr. Chris?
What's next: Chris Harrison's own talk show, called "The Bachelor Padded Room", where he provides therapy and rehab for those who've appeared so frequently in various Fleiss productions that they can't remember their real identities anymore?
14. FANTASY SUITE 54
If Chris and Ali were in Fantasy Suite 54 and Ali and Roberto shared Fantasy Suite 53, who was that we caught a glimpse of in Fantasy Suite 55? Could it be....Nicole and Frank???!
15. DID YOU GET THE FEELING SOMETHING WAS MISSING?
You know what I'm talking about. "Ali. Gentlemen. Final rose tonight".
Come on, admit it. Didn't you feel just a little bit robbed?
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Dear Ms. Musing – My patient, Belle, has had intermittent problems with her snarkostat; they have rendered her virtually witless. We have administered a snarkalysis treatment until a permanent solution is found, which probably won’t be until Chris’s fate on this stupid show she watches is ascertained. Please excuse the lateness of her exam. In the event her wit has not recovered, she may request a retake. Thank you for your gracious cooperation. Sincerely, Dr. Wizardof Oz.
ReplyDelete1. WHO WAS THE BETTER ACTOR?
I think Nicole did an awfully good acting job—pretending Frank’s visit was impromptu and that an ex boyfriend drops by with a camera crew every day. Not to mention that he seemed to know what hotel suite she “lived” in. I think both of them watched Jason and Molly for inspiration.
2. WOULD YOU BUY FRANK'S SCREENPLAY?
No, but I have an entry of my own! Ali: Sand is in my toes. The ocean is at my feet. The wind is in my hair. Sentiment is in my body. Lust is on my mind. Doubt is in my heart. Fear is in my soul. Time is running out. My clothes are getting wet. Passion is in my career.
Actually, I’d buy whatever the Lofty Patriarch of Acorns is selling. Ask him. ;-)
3. WHO WON THE BLINKING CONTEST?
I think Chris won it when he shut the Fantasy Suite curtain on the camera crew before they could make him blink!
4. WHO PACKED THE MOST SENSIBLY?
It was Ali! Heh heh. The stylist brought all her clothes for her, so she didn’t have to pack anything but lingerie and toiletries! But she keeps forgetting her hairbrush!
5. WHICH OF ALI'S LOOKS DID YOU LIKE BEST?
I rather enjoyed her “tropical mourning” frock, apparently donned for the rose ceremony in commemoration of Frank’s departure. Actually a savvy poster has ID’d the designer, as well as the pricey price, which supports my response to Item 4, above.
6. BESIDES THE HEART-SHAPED ISLAND, WHICH OTHER SHAPES DID YOU SEE?
Well, there was a somewhat heart-shaped coconut, bludgeoned almost beyond recognition. Did Ali feel undermined and disrespected?
7. REPEAT OFFENDERS: WHAT IS STARTING TO IRRITATE YOU MORE THIS SEASON?
See Item 4 again!
8. WET BACHELOR VS DRY BACHELOR
Well, the wet bachelor got disrobed by Ali in the fantasy suite, while the dry bachelor took charge and blocked the view by closing the curtain! I’m letting my heart override the snarkometer and picking the dry bachelor!
9. WHAT'S YOUR HOUSEKEEPING STYLE?
I kind of favor Chris’s, with the rainbow light and the unicorn figurines. I hope that makes up for Item 8 on the snarkometer.
10. SHALLOW VS DEEP
Actually, it is the shallow/deep paradox of Ali explaining how she is going to do something as deep as choose a life partner in something as shallow as one night in a fantasy suite on a tropical island!
11. WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU MORE LIKELY TO GO TO TAHITI?
I’d say the pearl necklace for sure, but only if the camera crew following me around gave me directions to the farm where the oysters came from.
12. WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO BUT COLLAPSE?
For me, it was actually Nicole’s collapse into Frank’s arms after just 5 minutes of importuning—which goes to prove that being on national television really does foster romance!
13. THE DOCTOR IS IN THE HUT
Who's my favorite TV relationship therapist? Marianna is!
I’m not telling my favorite TV therapist on relationships. Or telling my favorite relationship therapist on TV.
14. FANTASY SUITE 54
It was Mike Fleiss! It’s in his contract to get a Fantasy Suite wherever he goes!
15. DID YOU GET THE FEELING SOMETHING WAS MISSING?
The crying bench for the departing F3!
Signed, Buckeye Belle