Hello dear BB board friends,
No musings, I'm afraid, since this week has been anything but amusing.
Just two days ago, my best friend's mother passed away and I have been spending every minute I can spare to be with her. It has been emotionally exhausting, to say the least.
I did finally get a chance to watch the finale and the ATFR shows late last night. I'll just share some thoughts with you here, since I'm pretty sure if I post on the BB, I'll get crucified by those vociferous Ed fans and I'm not sure that in my compromised emotional state, I'll be able to deal with the onslaught.
What I saw last night, as I sat up late into an impossibly hot summer night, was a disappointment of 'grande' proportions. I know that all season I have been talking about how we've been victims of editing. While I did see the same evidence of 'Fleissian manoeuvers' in these episodes (Reid not being allowed to wear a suit to propose, for example), what I also saw confirms my belief that this show plays unfortunate mind games on hapless contestants who may have convinced themselves into thinking that this is an acceptable way to select a mate for life.
I'm talking about the undeniable emotion that still flowed between Reid and Jillian. It was so strong, it practically bounced out of the television, permeating my living room and wrapping its loving arms around me. It was electric, it was tender and, towards the end, it was heartbreaking resignation on Reid's part.
I'm convinced that, despite her utterances to the contrary, if Reid had spoken those same words to Jillian in Spain, Ed would now be a mere footnote in the book of Jillian's journey to love.
She chose Ed over Reid because she was more sure of a proposal from him. Ed pursued Jillian with all the vigor of a salesman pursuing an important new client. He wined and dined her; he said all the right words; he "closed all the loops" and "sealed and deal".
How proud his boss would be of him!
Reid, on the other hand, was unable to verbalize what his actions were already proclaiming, loud and clear, to Jillian. And Jillian was unable, unwilling or unready to read between the lines. I don't know if it stemmed from a deeply insecure place within her (she was clearly uncomfortable with Kip's perceived 'perfection' as well, worrying that she wasn't good enough for him) or if she truly didn't think that Reid would propose or even declare his obvious love for her on national television, in front of God and millions of viewers.
What made no sense was that she let Reid go before Kip. At the penultimate rose ceremony, neither man had made any pronouncements of impending proposals or even used the "L" word (well, Reid tried, but it was the wrong one!)
What made no sense was that her parents (especially her father, apparently won over by a bit of flirty hula dancing and some strategically-placed coconuts) gave their blessing for their daughter's hand in marriage to someone they barely knew and had met in such artificial circumstances.
What made even less sense was that, although she was clearly tempted to choose a returning Reid (now THAT was something even Fleiss couldn't mess with), she made her life-altering decision after a mere 15 minutes of deliberation with a man (Chris Harrsion) whom she's known less than a year.
Watching Reid's emotions during the ATFR made it absolutely obvious that the feelings were real. And, clearly, Jillian reciprocated those feelings. Her teary hesitation, her lovingly longing looks and the fact that everyone (including Chris Harrison, if one is to believe his blog) thought for a minute that she just may pick Reid after all, spoke volumes.
In that moment of Jillian's doubt, standing at the podium in her erstatz wedding dress, I almost felt sorry for Ed. He'd clearly worked hard to win his prize, only to almost lose it to a bachelor who was sent home even though Jillian's words about him had always been the most glowing and heartfelt of superlatives (insert here the many wonderful things Reid and Jillian said to each other, including having cute nicknames) that spoke that most intimate language of love.
Even today, I wonder how Ed must have reacted to seeing Jillian's televised mulling over of Reid's proposal.
Why did she do it, then? Why did she reject Reid a second time? Most tellingly, her reason was not that she wasn't still deeply in love with Reid, but that she had allowed herself to fall for the guy whose stilted lines best fit the Fleissian agenda and now, she simply couldn't let him down.
Really? That was the best reason she could give Reid? Sorry, I can't let Ed go now; he's already promised to marry me. Oh, but Reid, you're not crazy to propose -- we have the deepest of connections and, if it weren't for the circling limo, the suited bachelor and that Fleissian clock ticking ominously in the background, I'd pick my honeybear in a heartbeat! Oh, if only I had more time!
But, sadly for Jillian and Reid, tempus fugit. How sad that they met under the constraints of a tv show. Given more time and the natural course of love, there is no doubt that these two would have been the happiest of couples, 'perma-grinning' and neck-nuzzling their way through life.
If the last two episodes of The Bachelorette taught us anything, it's that timing is everything. What happens at certain moments in our lives can have a huge impact on our decisions and the path of our destiny.
I guess when you agree to become the bachelorette, you sign on the dotted line, with full knowledge of what the rules of the game are. You agree to follow this journey of televised love, of dating in ridiculously gigantic numbers, bringing it to a (preferably) happy conclusion, not in any kind of real time but in time for the show to follow its schedule and wrap it all up in a nice little ring box.
Unfortunately, real life is eminently less 'wrappable'.
I'm afraid that when Jill has finished unwrapping all the layers of Ed, she may realize that her true gift lay elsewhere, unopened.
And if she ever does get to open the gift that is Reid, it will be a Christmas morning like no other.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Marianna
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My dearest M~
ReplyDeleteWe have missed you. Your fans ask for you. Would it be ok if I informed the board that you can't make it?
First, a huge, huge, this......much, hug from Leen to you. More, my deepest sympathies to your friend. Again, life's reality breaks us from the shackles of illusion time and again.
And so to Reid. I have much to say of my love. I've poured so much of it out on the board, my little heart broken for him last night.
Here's the best summary of my thoughts:
For all the scripting and questions about his return, tonight proved that, even if it was somewhat producer manipulated, he, of his own volition, deeply desired to return.
His eyes always give him away.
There was nothing but love emanating from them tonight.
He still loves her. He just wanted to put his arm around her as it rested on the back of the sofa, next to her head; as he leaned into another neck nuzzle.
You could tell she wanted to talk to and with him. She wanted him to question him. When he stopped asking questions, she said, "Nope. This is our time." She still, as she did throughout the show, talks of she and Reid as an "us", as a "we". The language of couples.
I will maintain that Reid was her match. They were equals. He would have pushed her, made her grow, and ultimately, loved her unconditionally. They would have lit this world on fire.
It was The Notebook-like story. He just loved her so stinkin' much. He doesn't fall easily, but he did.
I'm honored to have watched it, to have witnessed such vulnerability and honesty. As much as I wanted Rilly to work, I think now it was more I needed to believe that a guy like Reid, with all his quirks and heart and real emotion, exists. I know that now. For sure.
Whoever wins his heart, she's a very lucky woman.
M, lean on us as you need to. My name is, indeed, Leen for a reason.
Love to you always,
Leen
Dear, dear Marianna,
ReplyDeleteI’m so sorry for your friend’s loss. I’m sure you feel the pain of it on her behalf. Now that so many of this little band are grieving now, we can share in your grief.
I can hardly blame you for not posting to the general board. I’ve been glancing through them, looking for your musings. The board is hysterical. Nadya and I both noticed that most of the people we care about have been avoiding the board lately. So I have I. I hesitate to open threads as if they were mail bombs. Most of titles attack or insult somebody. There are a few “why can’t we be happy for Jillian and Ed?” threads. Why indeed? Even most of the Ed fans write as if their satisfaction is more tied to Reid than Ed, let alone Jillian.
I regret that the thousands who read your musings will miss out. But as you say, what material is there to have fun with? I think you would be harshly attacked if you posted this generally. I feel honored that I get to read it.
I feel torn between responding to your many points and collecting and expressing my own thoughts and reactions. Perhaps I will do both.
My thoughts are with you today.
Yours,
Jim
Oh Leen, your message made me cry! So much for the man code!
ReplyDeleteYou so deserve your own chance for true love! How can we arrange for you and Reid meet? He may not be ready to risk his heart again soon. Surely he is worth waiting for.
You are already the woman that Jillian wants to be but is afraid to become. I, too, believe Reid to be the honest, loving, quirky, vulnerable man he seems to be. As you say, it shows in his eyes. And I believe you to be his match. You are each so rare.
Your Papa Jim
Mariana,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about your friend's loss. I am sure that having you as a friend is a great comfort to her and will be even more so as time and life goes on.
Thanks you for posting your musings. I am so glad to have made your acquaintance here, along with all the other kind, witty and intelligent posters from the BB. If I hadn't found your musings and followed your threads, I don't think I would have continued to check out the boards. I am shocked at the amount of nasty and obnoxious posts, but fascinated by the psychology of it all.
I am so new to this blogging business, I'm not sure if I have followed all the steps to become an author as yet. Also I think I may appear as decogirl - you know me as Canadiann.
I will post my thoughts about the final shows of this season once I am sure I can be an author. (and after I eat dinner!)
cheers
Ann
Marianna,
ReplyDeleteI have been lost each day looking for your musings, and I suspected something was up. I am very glad that this blog was set up and we can now all continue to chat!
First of all, may I say I am very sad to hear about your friends mother's death. I can feel even through your blog, the change in your energy. To reiterate what Leen and Jim said, we are here to help!
I knew you would probably skewer some of the obscene imagery (that volcano... COME ON!) and perhaps not want to post on the board as it would really be too easy and probably incur a lot of attacks. Even the DH board is inundated with so many new people my head spins to try to find some grounding.
Two things that I have noticed, I think it is a true testament to how wonderful Reid is that he is garnering so much attention! On the flip side, I feel a bit badly for Kip! He was F2 after all and has sort of been swept under the rug. By no fault of his own, but it was pretty obvious that the choice for Jill was really between Reid and Ed. She had way more emotion for Reid than she did saying bye to Kiptyn. Editing... perhaps. It struck me as interesting though.
However, like Jim said, I am happy for Jillian and Ed and would like to celebrate that! I don't feel the need to blast Ed and his traits. Jillian loves him. End of story.
Leen - You echo myself when I say that the one thing I always get out of this show is that there are wonderful men out there. Reid is exactly the kind of person you and I deserve and we are validated in knowing THEY ARE OUT THERE! Even if it is fanciful, we should implement a JB tour of our own, even if it is within our own cities. Leen and Koala, no cameras, but bachelorettes anyway!
In all honesty I was dating someone when this show started, and (I was already having doubts) but when I watched the first one on one date with Jillian and Ed and I felt a certain pull of 'wow now that is a connection.' I realized I did not feel it with the guy and broke it off. The show does help keep in perspective that love can shine through, good men are out there, and true connections can be made. Just have to apply this to the real world!
Anyway, so glad that the core group has joined this blog!
Hi Marianna - as we discussed the other day you just take this time to take care of yourself. When a loss hits us like this its never easy and your friend is lucky to have you. Suffering in this heat wave doesn't help matters at all. For all our non-BC people -- we are in the middle of the worst heat wave ever to hit the west coast - its horrid and because of our normal summers air con isn't usually found in our homes. I am lucky I can escape to my office.
ReplyDeleteI feel very happy for Jillian and Ed - I only hope they have a long happy life together -- as far as the ABC boards there are just too many nasty people over there - like Heidi and Jim and Colleen have said its great the core group has found this great haven. And I know all of us realize that Reid - that darling darling man will land on his feet - he has learned a valuable lesson (one his father tried to teach him) and he will do great. I believe we will see good things from him and I know this was also a great lesson for Kiptyn - you have to suffer a bit of heartache to really know how to love properly.
Joanne
Hi Marianna,
ReplyDeleteI finally will comment about your many marvelous musings. I don’t know how to modify font characteristics in the comments section, so I’ll just prefix each part.
M said: I'm talking about the undeniable emotion that still flowed between Reid and Jillian. It was so strong, it practically bounced out of the television, permeating my living room and wrapping its loving arms around me. It was electric, it was tender and, towards the end, it was heartbreaking resignation on Reid's part.
Jim says: Apart from meeting all of you, I feel like this depiction of intense, soul-matched love is the best part of having watched this otherwise grueling season. I’m sure I’ve never seen such emotional resonance in reality TV (not that I’ve seen much). I can’t think I’ve seen the like of it in fictional TV or movies either. I’ve seen displays with stronger electricity (Bogart and Bacall in “To Have and to Have Not” jumps to mind). For straight romantic love, so beautifully beyond sexual magnetism, the Jillian-Reid interactions take the cake.
M said: I'm convinced that, despite her utterances to the contrary, if Reid had spoken those same words to Jillian in Spain, Ed would now be a mere footnote in the book of Jillian's journey to love.
Jim says: Nadya posted her theory about why Jillian chose Ed on the MTA Musings thread. To me, this makes sense of the decision. I’ve suggested that she repost it to this blog.
M said: She chose Ed over Reid because she was more sure of a proposal from him. Ed pursued Jillian with all the vigor of a salesman pursuing an important new client. He wined and dined her; he said all the right words; he "closed all the loops" and "sealed and deal".
How proud his boss would be of him!
Jim says: We noticed those marketing-speak expressions too. Much of his discussion of winning Jillian over has used this kind of terminology throughout. It’s almost as if Jillian is not so much the love of his life as part of his overall business plan. This is not to say that he doesn’t love her: I think that he does. As he put it in the voiceover before his proposal, he’s never loved a woman this much before, so she must be the one. It may be love but it felt somewhat impersonal to me.
I see all of Ed’s decisions as part of that business plan. When he left her, he told her that his odds were not good enough to justify the risk to his career. After he saw how strongly she felt about his leaving (perhaps she felt that strongly because he left her), he realized that his odds had gotten much better.
I was disturbed by how he handled the proposal. After restating his love, he demanded that she tell him that she loved him. He took the whole decision away from her and made it his decision. She seemed pleased by this usurpation. Perhaps they really are suited for one another.
Part 2
ReplyDeleteM said: What made no sense was that her parents (especially her father, apparently won over by a bit of flirty hula dancing and some strategically-placed coconuts) gave their blessing for their daughter's hand in marriage to someone they barely knew and had met in such artificial circumstances.
Jim says: Nadya talks about this in the post I mentioned. While it is clear that the women preferred Kip (I’m sure they would have loved Reid!), her father seems to appreciate Ed’s no-nonsense business ways. I wonder if dad thinks that true love is an impractical conceit.
M said: If the last two episodes of The Bachelorette taught us anything, it's that timing is everything. What happens at certain moments in our lives can have a huge impact on our decisions and the path of our destiny.
Jim says: Alas, this is so true! There are so many levels to this. There are the timing issues that we have no control over. So much in life is being in the right place at the right time or in the wrong place at the wrong time. There are major timing issues that we have control over that we deeply appreciate or regret later. For example, the decision about whether to mend a broken relationship with loved ones before they leave or die has profound impact on people.
Then there are timing issues that should not be monumental and yet become so. Was Reid’s reluctance to say the “L” word on demand cause to sunder such a deeply felt, requited love? He blames himself now and explains that he thought he would make it through one more rose ceremony before he had to muster his courage. I think it was more like Kiptyn’s situation. Kip knowingly risked being eliminated at F3 because he too was not ready to say the word. My respect for him grew greater when he explained that he had no regrets about waiting to say he loved Jillian until it was fully true. Was this a dig at another, who’s timing for his declaration of love may have more suited his purposes than the truth?
People so often make the most important of decisions on the flimsiest of reasons. I can’t say how often I’ve heard people choose a spouse, a career, a political party, even a religion with less care and introspection than we used to buy a washing machine! I confess that I’ve made some important decisions for silly reasons at times. But like most people, it’s usually a choice between settling and not having. How often do we make a choice between the unimaginably wonderful and the mediocre? I believe that Jillian had that choice. It’s pretty clear which choice I think she made.
Jim
M,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about your friend's loss. My prayers and thoughts go out to you and their family as they go through this difficult period.
thanks so much for your comments here. I completely agree, but don't have time to post my thoughts right now. I'm on my way to work so can't be late. I think I've resigned myself to Reid finding someone else because I don't think Jillian is secure enough to appreciate the type of love Reid has for her.
that's it for today, but I'll check in this evening. Good day everyone!
Hunters627
(Sheri)
Thank you so much, everybody, for those comments, which warmed me to my core (and that has nothing to do with the unbearable heatwave).
ReplyDeleteLeen: reading those comforting words, I did, indeed, feel as if I were 'leening' on a good friend.
Jim: you are right: there was less to skewer and more to lament in these last two episodes.
I also wholeheartedly agree with you when you say that Ed knew all the right words (practically out of a manual) but that Reid's actions spoke the true language of love.
After reading your post, I went to youtube and looked at some scenes from this season, with Jillian and Ed as well as with Jillian and Reid. Without the sound. No question in my mind -- the body language favours Reid.
During a recent interview, I noticed that Jillian said that one of the big reasons she picked Ed was that her family (read: her father -- because mom and cousin actually liked Kiptyn better) approved of him. I immediately thought that if Reid had also met the family, perhaps there would have been a different outcome. But I do agree that dad likes 'down-to-business' Ed.
So, with the two men closest to her (dad and Chris Harrison, who was close due to the circumstances) egging her on to pick Ed, no wonder she, in her obviously confused state that day of Reid's proposal, went with their choice. She was ready to give up that daunting decision to someone more decisive than herself at that point.
I also agree that she is happy, for the moment, to let Ed call all the shots. I'm not so sure that will last; their relationship doesn't seem nearly as balanced as hers with Reid would be, in my view.
These words of Reid resonate with me: he said something to the effect that, no matter where they were, what they were doing or what their differences were, they would always find a way to make it work. This speaks of compromise and the giving of oneself to the other, something which I don't feel from Ed.
Koala Heidi: Thank you for your kind words. Soooo glad you're here with us! Reading about your most recent dating experience and seeing that you were inspired by Jillian's connection with Ed, I have resolved to keep an open mind about them. I wish I could feel their love the way I felt "Rilly's". I wish you all the happiness in the world, as you navigate the sometimes murky waters of relationships.
Yes, that volcano imagery was utterly and completely over the top, wasn't it?! Almost so obvious that it took all the fun of skewering out if it.
Joanne: you bring up an interesting question when you say that one has to suffer a bit of heartache to know love. I'm going to mull that over today.
Does suffering increase appreciation in life, I wonder? Do tortured souls feel both ends of the spectrum, joy and pain, more deeply than those more even-keeled among us? Perhaps a subject of discussion here...
Ann: you must tell us. Are you a decorater? Do you like Art Deco?
I agree that the psychology of the BachBoard nastiness is fascinating. I had to laugh at Jim's characterization of hesitating to open threads as if they were mail bombs!
Sheri: Hope you're having a good day at work and look forward to reading your thoughts later.
M.
Koala Heidi: Thank you for your kind words. Soooo glad you're here with us! Reading about your most recent dating experience and seeing that you were inspired by Jillian's connection with Ed, I have resolved to keep an open mind about them. I wish I could feel their love the way I felt "Rilly's". I wish you all the happiness in the world, as you navigate the sometimes murky waters of relationships.
ReplyDelete_______________________________________
Marianna, You're Welcome!
Just to clarify, I do like Ed and support Jillian's choice of him BUT just had to add: I was inspired by the excitement that Jillian felt to just be with him. I was excited to watch them together. I realized that I wanted to be excited about the person that I was seeing, and I just wasn't. You can't force it. It really was there with Jillian and Ed. (as it was with Jillian and Reid yet on an even deeper level as well - but that for another thread...) So I wanted to say I agree that when things heated up with Reid (he was still invisible for the most part with that first Ed date) it just cemented my decision! Then I really was like 'Wow these awesome men are out there! Then seeing Kiptyn on his last date with the charity work and the well rounded and very awesome attitude towards life, I further realized that wonderful men are out there! I want to go find them!' So thank you for your good luck wishes. Yes dating is murky and oh so treacherous.
Where are those one legged birds that come down and warn us when a snake is around? I know I will be keeping an eye out for them from now on!
Papa Jim
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for believing in Reen :)
I'm not sure if I'm Reid's physical type though. If I'm not towering over him (how tall is he? We're good if he's 5'll"), my curly auburn locks he might wish were golden. Yet, pitching his list might just happen were he to ever meet this tall redhead with a mind as sharp as his wit ;)
He'd easily turn an eye to my membership on the BachBoard, my 850 posts about his awesomeness, my roladex of Rilly moments according to episode number, my nicknames. Oh, and of course, that he'll be moonwalking at our wedding in, oh, a year. I'm sure he'll easily forgive those details ;)
Reid's a dreamboat,
Leen
K/Heidi (I'm so confused as to what to call you):
ReplyDelete1) You're my sista from anotha mutha.
2) You're the light in my light saber.
I do vow to keep you focused on good love. If you or I should ever fall into not-so-good love, we will say, "Jesse" (for you) and, "Reid" (for me) and poof! no more bad love. Promise?
We'll find our Mr. Invisibles. We will. Until then, we'll just keep figuring out who he should be and even maybe what he might look like.
Glasses or no glasses?
Leen ;)
Leen, let's see if I got this list straight:
ReplyDeleteTall – check
Long, curling, auburn, Irish locks - check
Smart as a whip – check
Awesome sense of humor – check
Respected professional – check
Responsible and caring – check
Heart of gold – check
You already adore him, fonduephobia and all - check
And you think you might not be his type because you're not blond? Really? If that was once an issue, he got over it with Jillian. A possible height difference may result in a lot of teasing, but I'm sure you can give back as much as you get. We'll buy him a pair of man heels.
Many claim that Reid's mother follows the board closely. I can hear her telling her son, "that Leen woman seems really nice; maybe you should give her a call." To which he replies "C'mon Mom. I don't even know what she looks like. She might be this short, dumpy blonde. Besides, I have to decide about this Bachelor gig. It doesn't feel right but I don't know how else I can meet smart, funny girls with their feet on the ground." And mom would reply "Before you decide, talk to that Leen girl. My heart tells me you might regret it if you don't call her."
Incidentally, I "friended" Katientempe's Footless Bird Facebook page. A bunch of the bachelors accepted offers of friendship there, including Jesse, his brother Jacob, Juan, Tanner and Wes. Katie sends Tanner foot photos and he responds back. She's trying to get Reid and Ed to join. If Reid does join, I'll see if I can arrange an introduction somehow.
Papa Jim
Leen, I forgot! Nadya is taller than you and she has long, curling, auburn locks too! I guess that makes her Mama Nadya! My, we have a lot of siblings and parents and children separated at birth in this group!
ReplyDeleteMarianna-
ReplyDeleteMy condolences to you, in your friend's loss of her mother. I have been there for two friends who have lost a parent, and I too found myself mourning almost as much. I not only mourned for the loss of their dad's, who were like fathers to me as well, but for the loss of a part of themselves, that would never return.
I think we truly lose a part of ourselves when someone we care for deeply is no longer there. Because I think that who WE are, in any given moment is the total accumulation of all our experiences, all our interactions, all the large and tiny ways that everything and everyone crossing our path end up affecting us. When we lose someone, we feel there is a huge hole inside us. Until we can heal that internal scar tissue and begin to fill our soul with new hope and renew the life within us, we are destitute.
Thank God, your friend has you there. Just feeling your love, I'm sure is helping her put one foot in front of the other, until she is ready for more. And I'm sure you'll be needed to help her refill her soul, and happy do so.
To both M and Joanne: I don't understand why there seems to be so much loss of loved ones lately; probably the extreme heat wave is somewhat to blame. When I lived in Egypt, there always seemed to be more funerals in September, the most oppressive month of the year. Extremes of temperature are a very hard thing for the human body to take...especially when one is weakened by age or illness.
I wish both of you well in the midst of the sadness. Funerals always make me numb and weepy. But most of all they make me realize how very, very precious all our moments are on this earth. And ultimately lead me to my favorite motto:
"Dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt,sing like no one is listening,and live like it's heaven on earth."- by William Purkey
Love,
Nadya
Papa Jim and Mama Nadya~
ReplyDeletePops, Rhonda did tell me I was "adorable." ;)
I owe M pics-to-put-with-my-name. I'll send them to you and Nadya as well, eh?
Again, thanks for the vote of confidence.
And, Nadya, I, too, believe that we are an amalgamation of past, present, and future love. We hurt over loss only if we've loved.