Do you, both ladies and gentleman, agree with the tenets of this blockbuster book and movie?
I assume that most of us have great familiarity with it. For those who don't, basically the book addresses men's behavior in relationship from the 3-day wait rule after a date to the proposal. Most of the scenarios focus on what the guy doesn't do, like doesn't call, doesn't ask you to marry him if you live with him. The final conclusion made by the male author is that guys will take as much as you give them without too much investment until they decide to commit. When a guy commits, you'll see him do all the work from consistent communication through mature behavior.
I have plenty to add to this discussion but want to know your viewpoints. Though I have several friends happily married, I still have single friends juggling the dating scene. Obviously this book has become my bible during our consults; this phrase, my hate-to-break-it-to-you mantra. That is, until one day at work when a male colleague debated with me that many guys don't fit into its categorizations.
And here I thought I finally had it down :)
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Interesting post, Leen.
ReplyDeleteI didn't read the book but I did see the movie.
My take on this is that, in some cases, the book/movie is dead on and, in others, it misses the point completely.
Women tend to make all kinds of excuses for why a guy didn't call them back, why he seems to take them for granted, why he isn't sharing his feelings more.
Guys are, I believe, infinitely less complicated. When they truly like a woman, they will pursue her.
In most cases.
I have also had single male friends who liked a woman but were afraid to pursue her. Afraid of rejection. In that case, the woman would be better off taking on the role of initiator -- something the book/movie warns women against.
I am against the 'game-playing' aspect (i.e. not answering the phone right away, making it sound as if you don't care, inventing excuses to be unavailable, etc.), all in the name of playing hard to get.
However, I definitely do not approve of women who allow themselves to become doormats for men to trample on.
And midnight 'booty calls' with no strings attached are never a good deal unless the woman is calling the shots as much as the man. Sadly, it so often is not the case.
There is nothing sweeter than being wooed by a man.
More to come once more opinions are bandied about.
M. (which stands for Married and off the Market, so, perhaps these opinions are irrelevant?)
Oh M, I have suggested more than once for different friends not to be so available when the phone rings....my bad!?! It always seems to work very well though. I will add that the friends that have received that advice were readily available for the midnight booty calls and did tend to act like doormats so I had their best interests at heart.
ReplyDeleteMy own philosophy has always been "what you see is what you get". Now if there is any correlation with this and the fact that I've never been married, well then maybe I should re-evaluate!
Here's an amusing bit of fluff I found which sort of goes with the theme of this discussion:
ReplyDelete5 Photos that Make you Look Undateable
The new world of online profiles isn't exactly easy to navigate. Many people wonder whether they should post a picture, and if so, which one? Should you post the photo that makes you look like an absolute 10, or the one that makes you look 10 pounds thinner?
How you look in your photo does matter. But not in the way you think. More often than not, your looks aren't the deciding factor in whether or not you're going to make a friend or score a date. What matters is what you are doing in your picture; in other words, how you present yourself to the world.
You may think it's crazy, but it's true: you don't have to be the best-looking person on the site to meet people; you just have to represent yourself well. Below are examples of photos that you shouldn't post under any circumstances.
Photo #1: You're at a Bar Drinking with Your Friends
In an effort to come off as fun and well-liked, many people post pictures of themselves drinking at a bar with their friends. Big mistake. Pictures that show you drinking at a bar don't make you look entertaining, fun, or special; they make you look like a barfly.
The snapshot may have been taken on the one night you go out all year, but the people on the other side of cyberspace don't know that. What they see is that you like to go out drinking with your friends. That's your priority. Something you do often. If that's the persona you'd like to reflect, fine. But know that drinking has lost its luster for most people over a certain age.
Photo #2: You've Cut Out Your Ex
We've all been tempted to do it, but cutting your ex out of a picture and then posting it online is a bad idea for a number of reasons. For starters, every time you check out your profile and see that picture, you're going to think of your ex. After all, he or she used to be standing right next to you! Second, in the age of digital photography, there's no reason why you can't easily take another picture where you look just as good. Or better!
If you absolutely must crop your ex out of a photo, do it right and cut him or her completely out of the picture. Don't leave a big square in the middle where a face used to be.
Photo #3: You're Standing Next to a Celebrity
This phenomenon is a little less common than the others, but it does happen. If you do happen to have a picture of yourself with a celebrity, don't post it. It won't make you look more important or more alluring. You'll just look like a person standing next to a celebrity.
Photo #4: You're Dressed as a Superhero
We get that some people really like to dress up in costumes even when it isn't Halloween. There are many social events and social circles where this is accepted and encouraged, and more power to people who find their niche in the world. However, while your friends may understand your penchant for dressing like the original Superman at Comic-Con, most people perusing your profile won't.
We aren't suggesting that you make an effort to-excuse the pun-disguise who you are. In fact, any person who's worth your time will delight in your quirkiness. But when you're putting yourself out there, it's best to save the fun photos for later on down the road.
Photo #5: You're Posing with Something Expensive
To give the profile photograph some perspective, you've decided it would be a good idea to pose next to your brand-new luxury car. Surely no one will be able to resist someone who's leaning against a BMW, right? Wrong.
When you pose next to one of your toys or stand in a way that shows off your Hermes bag, you come off as superficial. When it comes down to it, no one wants to be with someone who cares more about things than people.
There is a caveat, however: if your hobbies include tinkering with or collecting expensive toys, it's okay to include them in your profile picture. Just make sure you are trying to represent you, not your net worth.
New Dating Trend: Exit Interviews
ReplyDeleteby Rachel Greenwald
As a dating coach and matchmaker, I’ve spent the past ten years conducting some very unconventional dating research using a business concept called “exit interviews.”
While earning my MBA degree at Harvard Business School, I learned that “exit interviews” were a smart business tactic. When an employee is leaving his job, a manager asks him for candid feedback about the company. This process reveals crucial insights to empower managers to get better results next time. I thought: why not try this tactic in the dating world? So I interviewed over 1,000 single men and women to ask why they had initial interest in your online profile but then suddenly vanished, or why first dates didn’t lead to second dates.
We live in a feedback culture today. From Amazon.com customer reviews, to eBay and Trip Advisor ratings, to viewer voting on “American Idol,” to automated telephone recordings that warn “This call may be recorded for training purposes,” feedback is normal in every other part of our lives. Dating is perhaps the most important arena where feedback can literally change your life, but no one is brave enough to ask!
So I asked for you. Uncovering the gap between your perceptions and his or her reality enables you to find your mate quickly and efficiently. The proof? I had nine reports of marriage last month alone (and hundreds over the years) from my former clients who found their mate soon after I conducted exit interviews for them. They used my candid feedback to tweak their early stage dating behavior. Of course, they didn’t change who they were or pretend to be someone they weren’t, but they simply minimized certain comments or behaviors which I discovered were turn-offs by dates who didn’t call or email them back.
According to my research, 90% of the time you will be wrong when trying to predict why someone loses interest in you. You may have a recurring pattern of which you are completely unaware that is sabotaging your budding relationships. One example is from several years ago with my client Sophie in New York City. Sophie met James on eHarmony and had a great date with him, but two weeks passed without a word from him. So I called James myself and just asked him for the truth, and he was surprisingly willing to talk. I learned that while James thought Sophie was attractive and the date was fun, she had made several references to being deeply rooted in New York. This had concerned him. According to James, one of the things she said was: “I love New York-- I’d never leave the city. My job and my whole family are here.” James was originally from the west coast and hoped to move back there after working a few years on Wall Street. He concluded that Sophie was geographically inflexible and didn’t think it was worth pursuing a relationship with her.
When I relayed this feedback to Sophie, she remarked, “Well, I do love New York, but for the right guy, and especially if we were married, I might be willing to move.” But of course that’s not what she had conveyed to him. While Sophie had made The Never-Ever Mistake with James, she “never ever” made that mistake again. In fact, she eliminated “never” from her date vocabulary altogether—not just in reference to geography, but to other topics where emphatic, absolute statements of any kind might accidentally give someone an overly rigid view of herself.
The update? Sophie met a warm, kind, intelligent man a few months later. They were married within two years. They lived in New York for the first year of marriage, but (you guessed it) ended up moving, and now happily call St. Louis their home. And the surprise? It was Sophie’s career that led them to St. Louis, not her husband’s!
Rachel Greenwald is the author of the book: Why He Didn’t Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date. She is also the New York Times Bestselling author of Find a Husband After 35 (Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School).
Rem and M~
ReplyDeleteUp until 2 years ago, I played the game. Don't answer his calls. Don't accept the first offer to hang out (I really was/am wicked busy). Don't kiss him first. Don't say ILY first. I'd say that those rules--that game--works INITIALLY, but it prevents any kind of meaningful, healthy, loving relationship from developing. So I ditched it.
After reading HJNTIY, I'd say that, in my absolutist fashion (you love me for it), I defs analyzed every guy--either my prospect or my pals'--through this lens. Where I've relaxed in that mindset, I still maintain that he's got to do A LOT of the work for lift-off. It's why I'm really a fan of "friends first"--you get to know each other, trust each other, maybe evolving into loving each other.
M, I enjoyed the article from Rachel Greenwald. Interesting and practical. I guess, in my head, I think that love just organically happens. I guess, I think that in adjusting X or Y I'm somewhat changing myself just to land a dude. I'm not sure I'm comfy with that.
Dating is kinda absurd ;)
Leen,
ReplyDeleteI love that you posted this! :) There are a few things that I did take away from the book (didn't see the movie as I am not a huge Aniston fan... as I've mentioned before). I liked the idea that you shouldn't make plans with a guy if he calls you say Friday for a Fri nite date. You should be prebooked by Wednesday. LOL. Although for me it was a matter of the guy shouldn't assume I am going to be free!
I think M is right, there are men that need a little encouragement. I hate waiting, I have absolutely no patience when it comes to men. If I see someone I want to meet, I meet them. If I'm interested I let it be known. I hate living with "what if". However that said, I have backed off from this as I've gotten older. Not many of my relationships that I began in this manner worked out well. Probably because I was letting attraction and phermones rule. (I did just read the book from a previous post "All about sex - why we act the way we do." Found it interesting.)
It just goes to show you that there is no tried and true manner. I do think that if a guy is interested nothing will get in his way. He will ask you out and he will want to spend time with you. Sometimes it can be tough to accept and you may want to make excuses for it, but it really does come down to that. I know how I act when I am interested vs. not interested. I don't return texts/calls or want to talk to someone I'm not interested in. It's just the way of the world.
Maybe all of this really is up to fate. When two people click they just click and all the dating "trappings" just fall away and what they do together is right, no matter what.