If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are ten of his gems:
1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. All those who believe in psycho kinetics, raise my hand.
3. I almost had a psychic girlfriend...
but she left me before we met.
4. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
5. I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
6. What happens if you get scared half to death -- twice?
7. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder."
8. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
9. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
10.Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
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Those were great - thanks for sharing!!!
ReplyDeleteFunny M!
ReplyDeleteI like these!
ReplyDeleteSteven Wright is my favorite comedian. Here are ten more quips from my collection:
ReplyDeleteI went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "What do you need?"
I went to a restaurant that serves "Breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here".
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No." She said, “Okay, then forget it.”
Those are great, Jim! Isn't Steven Wright marvelous? I first saw him on Craig Ferguson's late night talk show.
ReplyDelete