Marianna's Musings: Ali's Episode 2

SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF THE BACHELORETTE: EPISODE TWO


Craig R., complaining about too much guitar-playing on The Bachelorette: The sound of chihuahuas everywhere, yapping in protest.



The classic car breaking down: The sound of over-exaggerated and fake sounds of a car breaking down.



Ali and Frank darting through busy highway traffic (presumably with several cameramen in tow): The sight of hundreds of personal injury lawyers around the country, reaching for their business cards.



Craig M.'s eyes darting and scowling, while his tongue flicks in and out: The sight of an obvious Fleissian villain.



Ali and Frank, standing by the iconic Hollywood sign: The sound of their showbiz career aspirations, symbolically snapping into place.



Ali's unclean fingernails: The sight of a girl who may have clawed in too much dirt.



Frank telling Ali he spent a month and a half in Paris without picking up any French: The sound of a screenwriter lost in translation.



Jesse, changing into only the second suit of his life and, no doubt, first, cufflinks: The sound of hundreds of housewives, booking their direct flights to Peculiar, Ohio.



Ali, at the wheel of a speeding red Ferrari: The sound of the blood of many male viewers, rushing somewhere important.



Justin the wrestler, complaining about all the stairs he has to hobble up and down: The sight of a certain Spanish avian creature, bobbing in sympathy on one appendage.



Jonathan the speedo-clad weatherman, berating his shortcomings: The sight of insecure men everywhere, wincing at the embarrassment of swimsuit shrinkage.



The calendar poses of Men in Mankinis: The sight of Ed smirking in satisfaction at the Bachelorette trend he's created.



Above-mentioned calendar men posing with cigars and telescopes: The sound of six million viewers being hit on the head with phallic symbols.



Frank telling Ali she feels like his girlfriend: The sound of irony ringing in the ears of those who follow spoilers.



Ali saying to Justin, "I like you. I hope you like me": The sight of viewers' brains atrophying for want of an intelligent conversation.



Chris L telling Ali about his family ties, saying "they are who I am": The sight of millions of women ticking off yet another box on their list of 'husband material' requirements.



Jonathan classifying Craig M. as a "category 6 a-hole": The sound of hurricanes everywhere, roaring in agreement.



Ali with Roberto: The sight of a woman, giggling and blushing and utterly smitten by a Latin lover with an exotic-sounding name.



Jonathan declaring that he will deny the existence of the Almighty if Craig M. gets a rose: The sound of smiting from the heavens.



Craig M.'s garbled attempt to answer Ali's question about how he feels about her: The sound of many empty bottles of booze, clinking.



Jonathan wearing a rose before he actually got one: The sight of discerning viewers everywhere, cringing at the poor production values of this show.




Craig M.'s outtakes, as he's quinting and mocking Justin the 'Rated R' wrestler: The sound of relieved laughter from us all, as one villain leaves without hurting the heroine, perhaps ceding his position to the real villain of the season?