MARIANNA'S MUSINGS: ALI'S EPISODE 5

AND NOW... THE MOST DRAMATIC MENU EVER




ICED TEAS AND MOLTEN LAVA CAKE



We're in the frozen land and a giggly Ali is in fine, flirty form. Her bundled-up bevy of bachelors are bracing for the ice of the land and the fire of Ali.


(And if she can't quite manage it on her own, there's some hot lava, erupting conveniently nearby).







CHILI CON QUESO



It's very cold out and the bachelors have one hour to make up the cheesiest poems they can about Ali. It is a resounding success.






TOAD IN THE HOLE



Six guys spelunking in a dark cave. What could be more romantic. But which frogs will turn into princes?









TWO PEAS IN A POD




Kirk and Ali don matching sweaters (which Kirk apparently never takes off again), blissfully ignorant of the smirks from locals in downtown Reykjavik.



Later, Ali finds out Kirk's big secret. That he scrapbooks? That he likes patterned sweaters?



No, apparently, he has never been with a woman for longer than a year because once, he got really sick and almost died.


Can you say non sequitur? Failing that, can you say fickle females? Did they all abandon him to cope with his illness asbestos he could on his own?







BANGERS AND MASH



Justin approaches the 2 on 1 date as Rated-R, vowing to knock Kasey right out of the ring.



After being hit on the head with one too many wrestling analogies, viewers everywhere wrestle with this question: Which is more fake, The Bachelorette or a wrestling match?









MIXED NUTS




Getting nuttier by the moment, Kasey rambles and repeats to the camera, to all the bachelors and even to some befuddled Icelanders in shops and in the street that he is Kasey Kahl and he is who he is.



Kasey really knows how to drive a point home. Here are some 'Kasey-isms', quoted verbatim, on this week's episode:


"I love to give; I love to share."


"I am genuine and I am sincere."


"The tattoo stands for my feelings, my emotions."


"I'm going to be myself and be who I am."


" I'm here to guard and protect Ali's heart."



Oh, and one more question. Was Kasey speaking Icelandic or Unicorn when they subtitled him?






GLACIER PUNCH




So Justin gets his cast off but it's Kasey who gets cast off.



An abandoned Kasey is left looking lost and lonely atop a glacier. Don't feel too sorry for him, though; we managed to get a glimpse of the second helicopter, dispatched to collect the doleful guardian of women's hearts everywhere.






SEARED FRANKFURTER




Frank remains a hot (and bothered) dog. Not only is he boiling about having to share Ali on a group date but he keeps furtively spying on her with other guys.




On the plus side, though, he does seem to be Kasey's only friend and confidant. The hug he gives Kasey just before the 2 on 1 date speaks volumes: After all, Frank has seen the tattoo and knows Kasey is going home that night.




Ali does seem very interested in Frank. She chides him for not giving his full effort. But he finally rewards her with "the look I was missing, the look that tells me you want me".







ALPHABET SOUP



Ali forgets her schooling again, as she says "supposably" instead of 'supposedly". Frankly, I am "shooken up" at this poor use of language coming from someone who graduated college with honours.






HOT FUDGE



Roberto fudges the "hot" question with slightly messy results.



Ali wonders aloud if he's too hot for her. Instead of telling her how beautiful SHE is, he feigns humility and manages to insult Ali in a roundabout way by saying "I don't think I'm that hot."









SAN FRANCISCO SOURDOUGH





Chris L. declares that he would gladly make his living dealing with the sour smell of garbage in San Francisco if Ali were to choose him. Ali find this sweet but the spark for her seems to be souring. Could their romance be toast?





NACHO MAN




While the boys are horsing around during the group date, a manly Ty gallops ahead and gains considerable ground in the race for Ali's heart.



An expert equestrian, Ty helps hapless horseman Chris L. This does not escape Ali's attention and admiration and she later rewards Ty, in the Hot Spring of Ardor (TM).






PICKLED PORK



Ali is feeling no pain as she strips down to her bikini and jumps into the steamy lake, giggling and raising the men's...hopes.






HALF MOON PIE



The men put their modesty behind them and strip down at The Blue Lagoon. The moon briefly goes behind a black censorship square.






BEEF STEW



Ali stews about whether she will be loved back. Chris Harrison has a beef with her lack of confidence and counsels her to take a chance on love.






CAT'S TONGUE COOKIES



Poor Chris N. There's no chemistry; he's literally at a loss for words and he doesn't even merit lunch twice a year.




THAT'S A WRAP



On the menu next week: Turkey