Marianna's Musings: Ali's Episode 3

GIVE 'EM WHAT THEY NEED


For heaven's sake, give Ali some self-confidence so that she can stop asking herself if Roberto thinks she's pretty enough. You're the bachelorette, honey; the men are actually here for you (okay, some are not, but still, stop second-guessing yourself).



Give Frank some aloe vera to calm his burning cheek after being slapped silly by Ali. And while we're at it, how about something to calm his burning anxiety at seeing other men get physical with 'his girlfriend'.




AND NOW, TONIGHT'S WEATHER FORECAST


Unsettled, with a chance of tears falling if asked to kiss a girl in public.




THE ANTITHESIS OF A 'HOT-TUB HARRIS' MOMENT


Ali and Hunter are in the hot tub where Ali suddenly has the irresistible urge to get out and go make s'mores. Sadly, Hunter doesn't get some, let alone s'more.




MOTHERHOOD AND APPLE PIE


Chris L. talks about tatooing his mother's signature over his heart. Oh, what's the point of continuing on with the show now. What guy can top that?! Go straight to F1.



COME ON, FLEISS! YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE: MOST OBVIOUS LINES THIS EPISODE



Kirk says: "Things really solidified in the hot tub." ( I'll bet they did, Kirk).


Jonathan, after Ali kisses him, says: "I blew up like a rocket ship". (What, Fleiss? No erupting volcano imagery? Remember, he's a weatherman and not an astronaut).


Justin: I'd give up wrestling in a second for Ali. (Forget Rated R. This one is Rated B.S.)


Ali and Roberto to each other on the tightrope: "Are you ready for fall for me? (Currently rivalling "for the right reasons" as the most sickeningly overused line in Bachelor history).



VOULEZ-VOUS?

Apparently Roberto took some high school French, in addition to being fluent in his native Spanish and getting by in Italian. This pushes Ali further teetering over the edge; thankfully, Roberto's bushy eyebrows are nearby to hold onto for safety.



CAN YOU HELP HER, MAKS?


Now we know why we didn't see Ali dancing during Jake's season. Based on her laughably disjointed moves while dancing to the Barenaked Ladies, could you just imagine the scene if Jake had danced with her at the outdoor market in Saint Lucia?



SEE? THAT'S WHY HE'S A SCREENWRITER AND WE'RE NOT


Frank immediately sees the parallel between The Barenaked Ladies song "You run away" and the situation on The Bachelorette. And I was stupid enough to wonder why he was still living in his parents' basement.



THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD


Justin's oh-so-scripted trek to see Ali at her house, complete with fake sweat and 'surprise' entrance while Ali just happened to be talking to the camera. If you look carefully in the shot, you can just about see the taxi driver who followed behind, carrying Justin's family photo albums and some portly crew members.



WHAT A WASTE


Steve applying chapstick on lips which Ali will never kiss.


Hunter cooking fifteen hotdogs on a date for two. (Wait! Maybe Jill and Ed will be over later).


A perfectly good Barenaked Ladies song ruined by that ridiculous music video.





CAST YOUR VOTE HERE FOR THE CASTED CRY BY THE CASTED GUY


Okay, everybody. Who fake-cries the best? Is it Jason over a balcony? Jake over a railing? Or Justin, sitting pensively in the dark on the stone patio?





BURNING QUESTIONS


Why did that mouse look so cartoon-like?



Did Fleiss spend so much on roses, candles and travel that he can't now afford a housekeeper to come and vacuum the mansion once in a while?


Are the Barenaked Ladies really going to use that music video?



Were Kirk and Ali instructed to keep rolling around in bed even after the fake director yelled "cut"?



Does Kasey have a helium addiction?