Marianna's Musings: Ali's Premiere Episode

Ali's Well That Ends Well:

It's a kinder, gentler Ali we find as the show opens.

It seems she's washed that man Jake right out of her hair extensions. She's waxed philosophical about a job vs. true love and she's ready to prance about in cute outfits or fr0lic in the surf (sans leather boots this time) and meet her men.

Ain't love grand? Thanks to the miracle of reality television, one week, you can be collapsing in hotel hallways; the next, you are a pretty yellow flower (okay, she wore a black dress but be ready for more yellow) with men buzzing around you like bees.

Ali, as Queen Bee, was as charming and fun as a hostess could get. The cattiness and the pacts against Vienna were but a distant memory and Ali seemed nervous but effusive as she welcomed her men.

The Forecast? It's Raining Men (Hallelujah)

In honour of the weather man, let's try our hands at a sort of forecast. Who will be let go and who will go far in the competition?

(And the most important question of all: how many times will the phrase "for the right reasons" be uttered before all is said and done? -- the count is already at eight, after only one episode).

Frank: While his caption says "Retail Manager", Frank tells us he left a lucrative career in mergers and acquisitions and is now a living-in-the-parents'-basement type aspiring screenwriter. Uh oh. Is he here for... wait for it... the right reasons or does he just want his script read by some tv producers?

Or could he be this season's Mike Stag? He leaps, he bounds, he climbs tall limos. He declares his love for Ali even before meeting her. A bit... premature, isn't it? (Are we sure he's not the real ... er... 'shooter'?)

Craig M. aka 'the toupee man': Is that his own hair? Only his hairdresser knows for sure. Craig and his hair have attitude. From his first words to Ali, "wow, I'm so happy you're not Vienna", to his clashes with Kyle the wrestler, Craig managed singlehandedly to destroy the stereotype of the polite Canadian. He (and his hair) will be interesting to watch.

John C: Don't know how much romantic chemistry there is between Ali and him but he caught my attention with his clever spoof of "the proposal". Genuine fake cubic zirconia ring in hand, he got down on bended knee and took a few jabs at the silliness of this show. He got points for that in my book. Ali seemed to enjoy it too. He'll be 'the friend'.

Kyle the outdoorsman: Despite her declarations that she just LIVES to fish, Ali did a quick job of catch and release on this one.

Can we blame her? After giving us a taxidermic tour of all the cute critters he's slaughtered, Kyle offers us this compelling creed: It's lonely out there. No women, just trees. I need a woman." And just when we thought he couldn't get any weirder, he offers to eat the First Impression rose, so that it'll stay part of him forever.

Jonathan the weatherman: He's going to use his secret weapon: humour. Only problem, we didn't get to see much of it during the first episode. May be too early to judge but I sense some arrogance with a chance of a snowjob here.

Chris L: Now here's a genuine guy. A former high school math teacher, he left work to be with his dying mother. And he didn't even try to use the sympathy card by telling Ali about it on the first night.

But he is sensitive. How do I know? Why, because he obviously watches the show, recounting with alarming attention to detail, Ali's distressful "Jake or job" moment. All kidding aside, hope he goes far.

Justin 'Rated-R' the wrestler: A study in contrasts. Is he a ladies' man and so reviled by his peers that the overwhelming majority attempted to vote him off the island? Or is he the family-oriented sweetheart, kissing his grandma with promises to bring her home a nice wife (but not too pretty, 'cause the pretty ones are trouble, says grandma).

Ty the recently divorced one: Sure, he's charming; he's fun with a guitar and Ali likes his accent but is he this season's Tenley? On the rebound from his ex-wife? Let's see...

Jesse: Nice touch, to carve Ali a wooden heart. Not at all peculiar, even for a Peculiar man.

Roberto, of the 'hot sauce' dance: Ali is smitten and who can blame her. He so utterly charmed Ali that she couldn't even distinguish what his name was when he pronounced it the Latino way.

On the other hand, maybe it was just nerves. I'd be slightly unnerved too, if those soulful chocolate eyes were looking at me. It was such a magical moment that I almost forgot about the blatant stereotyping. Of course, not one of the white guys knows how to salsa dance, right? (Actually, having watched Jake dance with Gia in St. Lucia, maybe it's not such a stereotype after all...)

Kasey: Shades of "Fatal Attraction"? Mr. Intense, still reeling from the shock of his parents' divorce and of his father's infidelity (this happened when he was twelve), he tells Ali, within a few seconds of meeting her, ''I want you to know I will always be there to protect and guard your heart."

Later, we see him with his wrists bandaged while ambulances are in the background. Now all this may just be Fleissian fabrication but I'll bet he's been cast as the intense and slightly loopy one. Jake's Michelle. Jason's Tooth Nazi.

Oh, the marvels of editing. Thank goodness they all eagerly signed on the dotted line beside "we can (and will) besmirch your reputation at every turn."

Kirk: He's cute. And artsy. First he makes Ali a rose out of his red pocket puff. But wait, there's more. He also made her a scrapbook. And, from the looks of the teasers, he goes far.

I'm all for it. Scrapbooking in a man brings out his sensitive side, don't you think? Perhaps next he'll crochet her a doily. The possibilities are endless.

Derrick a.k.a. 'Shooter': Well, what can I say? He left, rather prematurely.