I never imagined my wedding growing up.
While my sister and mom and girlfriends envisioned pouffy, white dresses and lilies, no roses, no gladiolas, I wondered about "How do you know he'll love you forever?"
I sat with them as they paged through pages of high-cheek boned, soon-to-be Mrs., and dutifully dogged eared my favorite rings for our later comparisons. Then I forgot about it.
Until I hit college where, the last two months of senior year, I found men dropping to their knees wherever I walked. No, not for my hand, but to push that glittering, coveted rock onto their beloved's finger. Love was definitely in the air, or should I say, "forever" played on repeat in many a male mind when orgo and engineering and business plans could finally cede the floor.
Again, I forgot about it when I sat in the driver's seat heading to the Southwest.
And as more and more friends of mine take that short walk down the white stole toward conubial bliss, I sit or stand with them, smiling, joyful that they're willing to give their forever to some remarkable human.
But then I forget it thinking instead about words and their meaning.
So, I wonder at the forever of it all, especially as we witness Girlfriend-gate 2009.
I wonder how someone can lie to you that convincingly. I wonder how you can hold on to them at the expense of your own dignity, more your own heart. I wonder how you can lie to yourself repeatedly hoping either to believe it or change the truth. I wonder, too, how you can defend it with evidence screaming in your face. We've all done it, but why?
Here's the link to Jillian & Ed's GMA interview and another interview with Lindsey:
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=8251834&page=1
If he lied to her once about his cause to leave, how does she trust that he'll not lie to her again? And isn't ferrying her off to The Chapel of Love just rushing something to convince the media that "true love" was found?
The more I watch of them, the more I'm left feeling like I just drank a bottle of soured wine at the wedding.
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Ah, dear Leen,
ReplyDeleteI read this and am so moved by the beauty in how you express yourself. This world can be both beautiful and terrible and so can its people be. (there's an antiquated sentence structure for you.)
I haven't had the time to listen to the latest interviews but if you ask Jim he'll verify that although I liked Ed in the one on one date, I have been very suspicious of him ever since he said he had to leave because of how he said it. His body language changed dramatically at that point and never improved when he returned. Also, his arrogance, it seemed to me, that shone through in so many of the little things he did and words he said and how he said them, was obvious. But maybe only to someone who spent the better part of 7 years dating High Tech types.
Everything about him is so similar to the kind of men I dated ALL the TIME here in Silicon Valley, and the story of these men's lives is always about them, beginning, middle, and end. Not to say there aren't plenty of exceptions to the high-tech stereotype. There are. But they don't do the Ed walk, nor the Ed talk. (Sorry to any Ed fans.)
More later, dear LLL.
Leen,
ReplyDeleteOh sister of my heart! You and I are one and the same in this arena. I have many a girl friend that are just sitting around waiting for the man to propose because the "want a ring on my finger by the time I am 30. By next summer." Whatever. Never mind that he is a cheating louse of a guy. This type of thinking perplexes me. I have never thought about my wedding. Other than the fact that I love diamonds, I have not looked at any wedding paraphernalia other than a ring. (April, my bday, birthstone is diamond so hey... that's what I'm drawn to.) If you remember any past bachelor seasons... there are a LOT of these types of girls on there. The ones that already have their wedding dresses and march them out to show the bachelor or their friends. AHHH!!
I too wonder about love and its very existence. I have never known for sure that I myself was in love. And I have experienced all too often what "love" is to a man. I was engaged, he "loved me", then we broke up. So much for "love". What a shallow emotion on his part. We remain friends and he was engaged to someone else within 9 months. You are going to try to tell me that this man can experience real, binding love? That he has the capacity to truly know another and be unselfish? Does that even exist? Alas I gave him the diamond back... it was supposed to represent something and it just didn't. I should never have said yes, because I didn't truly love him either, and I knew that he did not have the intellectual capacity to make me happy for the rest of my life. Long story, some other time.
I feel like I am holding out for something larger. Something few people ever experience. I also think perhaps, it is not my nature to marry. I am ok with this. I like my life. I can accept that I wear men out. I also appreciate that I am not still with the same person I met when I was 15. How do you grow and know who you are if you are tied to another and leaning on them for your happiness?
What you mention in regards to people's words... I am so cynical when a guy is talking to me its crazy. You really can't trust or believe anyone these days. I refuse to sacrifice my happiness or feel hurt about someone that is lying. The minute a warning flag comes up, I am out of there. If poor Jillian is putting her head in the sand (I have stopped reading about her and Ed so have no idea what is going on), then she will only experience a half marriage. People settle. Jillian must be feeling a lot of pressure to be the happy couple that so few bach seasons have produced. Jillian already had to give up her life, her family, and her career for Ed. Now her dignity? Women always give too much. It makes me so upset.
People treat love as a game, or a sport, or something that can be dissolved as easily as it is built. That is why this past season, watching Reid, and before with Ryan and Trista, it made me feel good to see people that made me actually WANT to date. It gave me a glimmer of hope. There are people that can match us intellectually, that will bring parts of ourselves to light for the first time. This board is a perfect example! Perhaps in real life, you and I can meet some real true men. JB Tour????
Heidi
Wow I had the greatest of posts full of the best advice I could give to anyone on this planet and my computer froze so its lost forever in the ether. Now I got nothing!!
ReplyDeleteSeriously my dearhearts I read your posts and want to just confirm a couple of things as the old lady of the board (I think). Like you I was never truly interested in marriage - I remember in high school creating a club with a few girlfriends - the OMF - Old Maid Forever (it was 1972 forgive me the terminology). I never read wedding books - heck even after I was engaged I didn't look at any magazines. Now I confess I did fall in love at 20 and married him at 23 - we had a good life. It wasn't perfect, we were two different personalities and he was very very powerful I lost myself and soon felt I was only complete when I was G's wife or D's mom - Joanne was lost. I had to find myself again when my husband got sick - I then became the rock of the family - held it all together and never ever lost sight of how much I loved him even through the worst of times.
When he passed away I had to find out again who Joanne really was and it wasn't until I was happy with myself and had zero or no desire to find another life partner did it happen again. You couldn't find two more opposite men on this planet but I love/d them both the same.
What I am trying to say is that you just never know what will happen - we don't know who is around the next corner. I have mentioned before that my darling husband came to me disguised as a geeky nerd. We met online and our first face to face was at a Starbucks. Across the parking lot strolled this tall dark - really horribly dressed man. He had these funky blue glasses, a drive through haircut, red Club Med t-shirt, white tennis shorts, white socks and black shoes. I thought the poor guy drove 45 minutes I can't just stop it here so in for coffee we went - within minutes I was captivated by his kind and intelligent soul. We went for a long walk after and have never been apart since. As much as I have fixed the hair, the glasses and the wardrobe (and uncovered one damn fine man) he is still that same kind, intelligent and loving soul I first discovered.
That gosh awful expression "he completes me" is crap - what we need to find as humans is one that complements (not compliments although those are nice too) us - intellectually and spiritually. But above all we have to love ourselves.
Joanne
Joanne,
ReplyDeleteI loved your post! How lucky are you that you found two amazing men! I haven't caught up on all your previous posts but I grasped that you are a strong proponent of the internet dating. Good for you!
I agree with you that it seems when people aren't looking it seems to happen more naturally and in a better way. I am not looking, however I do feel like my cynicism has closed me off. In a very new age expression, may I say "my heart is closed".
I love that you took a chance on the soul within the horrible clothes! I try not to get bogged down with things like how one dresses or looks as well.
But I'm glad you can shine some rays of hope!
Hi Joanne
ReplyDeleteJust read your post and wanted to tell you how touched I was with your story. Beautiful.
Susan
P.S You are not the old lady of the board, I think that's probably me!
I should like to come to the defense of my fellow males, but I cannot. Reid was speaking the truth (as quoted by Leen elsewhere). Men are dogs. Most are. I do know some very sweet, very honorable men. But not many. Most of my friends have been women throughout my adult life. I can hardly bear the company of most men.
ReplyDeleteLeen and Heidi, I wish I knew some decent single men your age. I work with many twenty- to thirty-something guys. As a group they are highly immature people. Being high-tech, they are more nerds than frat boys. But they have the same self-obsession and general lack of sensitivity. They are not here on this planet to make it a better place. They want to make lots of money. The women in this business are not much better.
I don't know what advice I can give you. I commend your resolve to not settle for a "someone". I can't imagine either of you falling for an Ed. It's much easier to fall for a decent guy whose life nevertheless cannot yield to your own. There are worse fates than such a husband, but being alone is probably not one of them.
I don't think either of you should give up hope either. Keep your eyes open. There are also better fates than remaining single with many good friends in your life.
Joanne, I agree that none of us needs to be "completed" by a mate. I also dislike the expression. It suggests we are mirrors that reflect an actual person. I think people need such terms to survive difficult and unrewarding lives. But it should never be used to rationalize turning a mediocre relationship into a marriage.
We humans are works in progress. We need help from others to reach our potentials and master our fears. This is how I understand the complement that you mention. In many ways a spouse is ideally suited to give such support, encouragement and accountability. In reality, this seems to be much more the exception than the rule.
I have long believed that it is much easier to be in love than to love. The former will fade eventually. The latter never ceases to require effort and sacrifice. When love becomes easy or automatic it has been replaced by something else. A relationship can survive with only one of the couple doing most of the work of love. But it will never thrive, nor will either person.
This was part of my concern about a Reid and Jillian pairing. The being in love part came naturally for them. Were they together, eventually the effort of loving would be needed. I feel certain that Reid would be good at loving her. I get the sense that Jillian gives herself more credit in her capacity to love than she merits. She truly wants to be a loving person but other issues seem to get in her way.
I don't regret remaining single until I was 46. I regret that I never had the opportunity to raise children. I regret that I achieved so little of the goals I set out for myself. I would have liked to be married sooner. But I'm glad I didn't marry any of the single women I knew before I met Nadya.
Jim
For me I knew he was "The One" almost from the beginning. We dated like "old married folk." We didn't go to movies or restaurants. (His idea of a date was going to the library together!) I cooked dinner at his place and we hung out together. We worked in his yard, helped build a Habitat for Humanity house, went to minor league baseball games. How did I know he was "The One"? He helps me be a better person, more of what The Divine hopes for me to be.
ReplyDeleteBowl of Cherries
The more I participate in this blog, the more impressed I am by the depth of emotion, honesty and humanity each of you possess. I am in awe of how elegant and eloquent your writings are. The words each of you have written make me FEEL something. It's wonderful to have the warm comfort of this group. I'm am always amazed by what I read here and the emotions I feel reading the posts.
ReplyDeleteI used to be a different animal. I was one of those women who wanted to be married. As I've mentioned in an earlier post, I used to suffer from horribly low self-esteem and confidence. So, in some twisted way, I think I thought that marriage would give me that secure "forever." Do not ask me why I thought that given the fact that my own parents divorced when I was 6. Well,I didn't get my forever, but I had a hell of a nice wedding. At the time, that's all I was really focused on - the wedding.
Now, I'm in a happy, healthy relationship and while I do want us to be together more often, I'm on the fence about marriage. I would love to be married to him, but I don't NEED to be married to him, so if we opted not to "make it legal," I'd be okay with that. Probably because I feel in my bones that our love and commitment is mutual. We are truly partners, regardless of the title of it.
I have done such an about-face in my thinking and approach to life that, in some ways, it is like living a completely different life now than I used to. But, that's a good thing. As I've asserted before, I was Jillian in my "last" life. She's still there and it doesn't look like she's ready to evolve. But, I do hope that she wises up because I think that Ed is not healthy for her . . . or any of the other poor women embroiled in this mess.
Jim and Nadya - I will likely be traveling to Silicon Valley (I live in Pittsburgh) for work sometime in the fall. If the schedule works out, and if you're comfortable of course, perhaps we could meet for a drink or dinner. It would be wonderful to meet you in person.
Wow,I echo LuvBach's sentiments about all of you on the board. While I possess many of the same characteristics as those of you on the board, my writing skills do not hold a candle to you all. And I tend to use a lot slang, but am trying to avoid that.
ReplyDeleteI also love coming here because no one is going to pounce on you if they disagree with your opinions. What a wonderful group of friends we have found from this somewhat silly reality show. I say "silly" because that's how I viewed the program at the beginning. It's not how I feel now.
Now about me. I was married to my college sweetheart who I also lived near while growing up, but we didn't attend the same schools until college. We thought we knew each other so well and were really meant to be, but unfortunately it was not meant to be. Fortunately we are very, very good friends now. It took a few years after the divorce to get there, but if you put your children first and put the heartache behind you, it can happen. Our current relationship is proof of that.
I was divorced at 30 and thought I really needed to be married again to be happy. Being a single mom with 3 kids under 10 was really tough, so I thought being married would solve that. But while I did date some wonderful men and fell in love a couple of times, the men I loved weren't right for me. And I really wasn't right for them. I don't know why or how, but eventually I realized that I enjoyed being single and independent. I was a really good mom, a good friend, and most of all, a good friend to myself.
And now at the age of 62 (okay, I had to say it - now can anyone beat that?) I know that I have lived my life to its fullest, have wonderful friends and realize that I did not need a man to be happy. And at this stage of my life I'm not even thinking about it. As a matter of fact, Arizona is not an easy place to date once you're in your fifties. But I'm okay with that.
This is an absolutely wonderful thread; thanks to Leen for starting it and for all those who shared their feelings to make it into the rich and thought-provoking thread it has become.
ReplyDeleteI may be the only one among you who has been married almost half my life. I was married at 25 and am turning 50 next year.
Leen, you wonder at the "forever of it all". I can only tell you that I don't think anyone can predict, with 100% certainty, that a relationship or marriage is going to last forever. Life simply does not come with guarantees. You have to find your happiness every day as it comes along. The tomorrows may bring unforseen circumstances: marriages break up, people change, spouses die.
I don't want to appear as if I'm approaching this from a cynical point of view. Indeed, I understand very well what Jim is talking about when he says that loving is harder than being in love. The heady rush of passion I once felt for my young husband has long been eclipsed by the necessary act of living, of running a household, of raising a child, of coping with the stresses of work and the rollercoaster of life's events.
But my husband and I understand that we have something which we have built together and which will not simply collapse like a house of cards with every windstorm that sweeps by.
We have a lifetime, or, half a lifetime, anyway, of shared memories, goals, joy and pain which bind us together.
Still, I expect no lifetime warranty on this union. All I can say is that, despite the fact that, when times have been particularly hard, when we have spewed our stress on the other person, when we have butted heads in a power struggle and I have mentally packed my bags, it has somehow been resolved and we are still together.
I am convinced that all this talk of fairy tale love is the culprit for so many people who cut loose at the first sign of strife.
Discord is natural in a marriage. Just because, 25 years ago, I thought that this was the man I wanted to create a life with, doesn't mean that we will always see eye to eye on everything or that we will always be in a good mood around each other.
When we argue, it is as fairly as we can possibly do so. We do not hide it from our daughter and pretend that everything is all right. But we also make sure she observes us in conflict resolution mode and that she sees us hugging and making up after.
I don't want her to enter into marriage one day, believing that it is all a bed of roses. I do want her to know how to come back towards her partner instead of away, after a dispute.
Having said that, I do often wonder if I would have chosen my partner differently, had I been older. Despite the 'rush' of young love, there is something inherently foolish and idealistic about picking one's partner while wearing the rose-coloured glasses of early love.
It is only when one removes those glasses that one can see clearly.
M.
Some truly great comments from my wonderful board friends! Marianna, your story has inspired me all along! On the BB I loved it when you shared some of your secrets to making your marriage work! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteJim - A big sigh for the immature men you work with. I guess they are everywhere. Not that I expected anything differently. Oh well. I love hearing your perspective, and Nadya is one lucky woman!
Luv - I remember you talking about your story before and thanks again for sharing.
Sheri - Wow raising three kids on your own! What gumption! I am so impressed! I am the single mom of a dog and even that is too much for me on some days! Good for you for making your own happiness! Thank you for sharing as well!
I really love reading what you guys have to say. Thanks Leen for starting this thread!
Hi all,
ReplyDeleteI think it may be safe to say that I am the youngest member of this blog.
As I was reading through the other insightful posts by everyone, I realized that I can't start off my thoughts with "As I was growing up", or "I knew he was 'The One'.
I admit that I am young, probably at times naive, and possibly have no idea what I'm talking about.
I say that because it is what I'm supposed to say, but I know it isn't true.
The truth is, when it comes to loving someone, I have had to deal with things far beyond what most 20 year olds have the capacity to handle. I don't say that condescendingly, but when I spend time with people my age, I realize it is true.
Not the 'rush of young love' as Marianna put it so well, but truly loving someone unconditionally and losing that person.
And it has been hard. Mind-boggling, life-altering hard.
Yet here I am. I have persevered, and I am better for it.
People always tell me I am mature beyond my years. Perhaps this is true. Over this past year, I know that I have wished, many times, that I, for once, wasn't so mature for my age.
But now I realize why I am the way I am. Because now, I am able to process things the right way. I am slowly, however painfully, becoming more like the person God wants me to be.
A person He can be proud of.
As young as I am, I feel like I know what it means to love someone unconditionally. I feel like I know this because I have done it.
I think it goes hand-in-hand with what Jim mentioned in his post. Support. Encouragement. Accountability. These are the things we all hope to have in our spouses. I know I hope to get those things from my spouse one day.
But here's the kicker and the hard pill to swallow.
If I don't, hey, that's cool too.
Do I want to find the love of my life, someone who supports me, encourages me, holds me accountable, pushes me, and complements me?
Absolutely.
Will I be okay if I don't find that person and live my life serving Christ in my work, relationships, and surroundings?
Absolutely.
Leen and K,
I feel like both of you want the same thing. You don't want to settle, and you shouldn't. I know that both of you deserve the best of men, and I truly hope that God will bless each of you with a man who is worthy to share a life with you.
Leeny Lou, you are awesomeness for starting this thread!
Soy Grande love to you!
Nashy-Nashtastic
Well Sherri and Nash as the two bookends (maybe) isn't that cool that we have a nice range of experience. I think only when there is a nice variation of lifetime experiences, geography and culture with similar values that we can truly understand how terrific this coming together really is.
ReplyDeleteI love that Jim feels so comfortable being the lone male voice. I remember years and years ago I had a boyfriend that followed me everywhere -- I was very young and didn't find it flattering. I hated that he would sit with me and my girlfriends. Little did I understand at the time that I had found a male that was comfortable in any surrounding. Not easy to find with teenage males. But that was a long lifetime ago and I barely remember his name. My darling husband is not the most social creature and sometimes its painful in public. But that's who he is -- when he is with me I see the real person - heck he only really lets one of his brothers see the real him.
OMG Nash - I do have a single (I think) brother in law - cute as all get out, funny, and very personable. I think he is 20 (my husband has several siblings). Too bad we are in different countries.
I guess its getting late - I am rambling now be back tomorrow with my glasses on and paying more attention.
Joanne
PS Nashy right on girl -- NEVER EVER SETTLE!!!!
ReplyDeleteTo my older sisters and Papa~
ReplyDeleteNadya, you never cease to soothe my spirits. You're so comforting. One of the most inspiring aspects of this blog is you and Jim's partnership: how you complement each other's mindset, how you seem to genuinely adore and appreciate each other, how you work as a team, how you laugh and share together. We learn from you, us young'uns.
As we learn from you, M. I adore the reality you bring to love. We--women, Hollywood, writers--tend to fictionalize it when it's the most real dynamic in existence. It will break you and make you. Over and over again. The most heartwarming line from your piece: I do want her to know how to come back towards her partner instead of away. Yes, always towards. Always.
Papa Jim, this one line--I have long believed that it is much easier to be in love than to love--walks with me now. It challenges me in the ways I love. Have I loved another or just been in love or neither? Let me think on that.
Also, this part--I don't regret remaining single until I was 46. I regret that I never had the opportunity to raise children. I regret that I achieved so little of the goals I set out for myself. I would have liked to be married sooner. But I'm glad I didn't marry any of the single women I knew before I met Nadya--that part both broke and mended my heart in one stitch.
You're more a papa than you know.
Bowl of Cherries, Sheri, and Luv~
Thank you for sharing your beautiful love stories.
And, last but not least, Joanne, I think that was one of the very best pieces I've ever read from you. It was without pretense, without hesitation, just real and honest. Like your love.
Wonderful,
Leen
Now, to my girls, my fellow triplets, K and Nashy
ReplyDeleteNashy, I loved every word you wrote. Seriously. I read it three times. And as I was about to reach the end, I slowed down to savor it. I could feel the love you knew coming off the screen and into my heart. I'm not sure what happened, but just remember you are someone's saving grace.
K, my sister, you. me. Jesse. Reid. When? Where? I feel, often, that if we were in the same city, that we'd sit reading newspapers on Sunday mornings at the local cafe, sipping coffee until one of us had some brilliant thought to share. We'd share. Then we'd go back to reading the newspaper or a book or telling Jesse to just sit there and stop talking.
But to being young and wondering about love:
I think we realize that the depth of our love for another only reaches and mirrors our ability to love ourselves. Love others as you love yourself. Or the God in me sees the God in you. You can't get to love unless you look inside and find it, sitting in your heart waiting for you to take its hand.
So if we live and travel and dance and sing and laugh without a guy beside us, will we be happy on our own?
Of course.
But, when I think of the beautiful souls in both of you, do they deserve to give all that love away only to be met with an equally abundant heart?
In the words of a very mature-beyond-her-years, graceful, inspiring heart, "Absolutely."
Nash and K, you are gold.
Love you........................this much,
Leen
Interesting Newsweek article on marriage. Not sure I agree with it completely. Your thoughts, everyone?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1914321,00.html
M.
So many excellent things have been written to this post, I don't know where to begin!
ReplyDeleteBowl of Cherries, welcome! I'm so glad you could join us! I'm thrilled that you have found "The One" for you! Such inspirational news for all of us!
Kelly/Luv, let us know when you'll be in our area. We will rearrange our schedules if need be to spend the evening with you! Nadya is on a trip the last few days and has little online access. But I know that I speak for her as well. We look forward to it!
Sheri, it took courage to choose what you felt to be right instead of the easy path. It seems that you have no regrets whatsoever and so it seems you made the right choice!
Marianna, I agree that the "forever" of this thread is something that is not in our control, even where we truly mean to live up to it. Certainly, the phrase is used much too lightly. On the other hand, does anyone want to hear conditional, realistic vows such as "I want to be married to you unless it turns out to be a big mistake"? Not only is it more work to love than to be in love, the end result of the act of loving is more real and permanent. This is part of the dilemma of being in love: one can fall out of it as quickly as falling into it. It sounds like the relationship you have developed with your husband is more valuable now than the more passionate but less mature version that you began with.
Heidi, I'm not bothered by all these immature men at work and elsewhere. I feel saddened for the women of substance such as yourself who have so few commendable men to choose from! I wish it were otherwise. I'm relieved that you will not settle for such a man as these.
Nash, I'm so very sorry for the loss you experienced, whatever the nature of that loss. I have no doubts that you are indeed far beyond your young years. I'm sorry for the events that you must have experienced to become so. We hope that you should find one who will love you so as to make you the best you can be. Absolutely. And if you do not find that person, you shall surely find your path to forever here on earth all the same. I encourage you to remember what you write so that you do not allow anyone to steal your forever in the name of loving you forever.
Joanne, while I talk about the male point of view, I don't really have that either. I think of us as people before our assigned genders. I care no more for women who are tied to their perceived roles as for men in theirs. While I prefer the former role to the latter, I infinitely prefer people who transcend their roles, upbringing and culture. People such as you and the rest of this group!
Leen, love flows through your writing. It must be your natural state of being. It would not seem fitting that you should limit your love to only one person or family. When you consider spending the rest of your life with a man, determine if he is willing to share your love with the world at large. If not, he is too small for you. The right man will increase your capacity to love, not hold it hostage.
Love to all,
Jim
Leeny Lou, Post 2, my fellow triplet:
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely gold. I'm sending some love right back your way. Your words touch my heart because I know you mean them from the bottom of your own.
Jim, thank you so much for your post. This part was my favorite:
"I encourage you to remember what you write so that you do not allow anyone to steal your forever in the name of loving you forever."
I promise to always remember these words. Your wisdom will not be lost on me.
To all the wonderful people here,
Nash
I truly needed this post today. I have been truly and thoroughly thinking about the men that are involved with my friends, that are currently around me, and that I work with and I have to say they are all Wickham's and none are Mr. Darcy. What happened to men of honor? Integrity? Honesty?
ReplyDeleteA man that recently joined us at work, quite affable upon first acquaintance, very outgoing, funny, easy to talk to. But hits on my friend (receptionist) after a post work drink and all of a sudden we realize he is quite base, has no true honor, and really disappointed us in our esteem of him. Appears one way, and is in fact just pretending to be a nice person. Before I continue airing my grievances I wanted to respond to my sisters Nash and Leen:
____________________________________
K, my sister, you. me. Jesse. Reid. When? Where? I feel, often, that if we were in the same city, that we'd sit reading newspapers on Sunday mornings at the local cafe, sipping coffee until one of us had some brilliant thought to share. We'd share. Then we'd go back to reading the newspaper or a book or telling Jesse to just sit there and stop talking.
But to being young and wondering about love:
I think we realize that the depth of our love for another only reaches and mirrors our ability to love ourselves. Love others as you love yourself. Or the God in me sees the God in you. You can't get to love unless you look inside and find it, sitting in your heart waiting for you to take its hand.
So if we live and travel and dance and sing and laugh without a guy beside us, will we be happy on our own?
Of course.
But, when I think of the beautiful souls in both of you, do they deserve to give all that love away only to be met with an equally abundant heart?
In the words of a very mature-beyond-her-years, graceful, inspiring heart, "Absolutely."
Nash and K, you are gold.
Love you........................this much,
Leen
Leen - Love you THHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSS much as well! First of all, I would love to sit with you, reading, first thing in the morning, just to point out or chat about interesting things we come across. Nothing would make me happier! Perhaps there is a Jesse sitting there as well, not talking, perhaps not... it doesn't matter. Of course, having Reid join us would just make it that much better because you KNOW he will have something really amusing to say.
"The God in my has reached out and found its match in you"... over the electrons that form these posts! Thank you for that paragraph. I hope to someday meet someone worthy of my true respect, regard, and love. You remind me to keep hope alive, somewhere. After this miserable day in my romantic life I can attempt to subdue my cynicism on the state of male affairs and remember the Reid's.
It just seems every time I start to think, ok maybe I will actually see if it will go anywhere with this guy, I get blindsided! He isn't who he said he was at all. I am a very good judge of character, I know when people are lying and when they are telling the truth. These men aren't lying to me, its just their choices (stealing from their job, still live with their ex gf and don't know if they are over her) make me want to scream! They are total Wickham's. Great charming personalities, but when it comes to true character they are motivated by purely selfish reasons.
Even Ed and poor Jillian. What a joke. I am so disappointed. A very skilled Wickham. (BTW I am quoting Pride and Prejudice in case I forgot to mention that earlier).
Ah well. My heart is lifted by your hearts and prayers Nash and Leen. May we each receive what we need.
Namaste!
Heidi